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MUDIBRAS;

THREE PARTS:

WRITTEN IN THE TIME OF THE LATE WARS

SY SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ.

WITH

▲ LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, ANNOTATIONS,

AND AN INDEX,

HARTFORD:

S. ANDRUS AND SON. 1845.

^ l'v

TO THE READER.

Pokta nascitur non fit, is a sentence of as great truth as antiquity ; it being most certain, that all the acquired learning imaginable is insuffi- cient to complete a poet, without a natural ge- nious and propensity to so noble and sublime an art. And we may, without offence, observe, that many very learned men, who have been ambitious to be thought poets, have only ren- dered themselves obnoxious to that satirical in- spiration our author wittily invokes :

Which made them, though it were in spite

Of nature and their stars, to write.

On the one side, some who have had very little human learning, but were endued with a large share of natural wit and parts, have be- come the most celebrated* poets of the age they lived in. But as these last are ' Rar b aves in terris,' so, when the Muses have not disdain- ed the assistances of other arts and sciences, we are then blessed with those lasting monu- ments of wit and learningy which may Justly claim a kind of eternity upon earth : and our author, had his modesty permitted him, might with Horace have said,

Exegi monumentum sere porennius : Or, with Ovid, Jamque opus exegi, quod nee Jovis ira, nee ignis, Nee Poterit ferrum, nee adax abolerc vetustas.

The author of this celebrated poem was of this last composition : for although he had not the happiness of an academical education, as some affirm, it may be perceived, throughout his whole poem, that he had read much, and was very well accomplished in the most useful parts of human learning.

Rapin, in his reflections, speaking of the ne- cessary qualities belonging to a poet, tells us, Shakspeare, Davenant, &c

iv TO THE READER.

4 he must have a genius extraordinary; great natural gifts ; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, solid, and universal ; an understanding clear and dis- tinct ; an imagination neat and pleasant ; an elevation of soul that depends not only on art or study, but is purely the gift of heaven, which must be sustained by a lively sense and vivaci- ty ; judgment to consider wisely of things, and vivacity for the beautiful expression of them/fcc.

Now, how justly this character is due to our author we leave to the impartial reader, and those of nicer judgment, who had the happiness to be more intimately acquainted with him.

The reputation of this incomparable poem is so thoroughly established in the world, that it would be superfluous, if not impertinent, to endeavour any panegyric upon it. King Charles II. whom the judicious part of mankind will readily acknowledge to be a sovereign judge of wit, was so great an admirer of it, that he would often pleasantly quote it in his conversation. However, since most men have a curiosity to have some account of such anonymous authors whose compositions have been eminent for wit or learning, we have, for their information, subjoined a short Life of the Author.

SAMUEL BUTLER

Was born in the parish of Strensham, in Wor- cestershire, in 1612, probably in February, as we find that he was christened on the 14th day of that month. Of his parents our information is very scanty. They gave him education, however, at the grammar school of Worcester, whence he was removed* either to Cambridge or Oxford.

For some time he was clerk to Mr. JefTerys, of Earls-Croomb,in Worcestershire, an e.minent justice of the peace ; and, while in this gentle- man's service, had leisure for study, and amused himself by practising music and painting. He was afterward admitted into the family of the Countess of Kent, where he enjoyed the use of a library, and the conversation of the celebrated Selden. From this house he removed into the family of Sir Samuel Luke, one of Cromwell's officers, and from what he saw here, is supposed to have conceived the design of ridiculing the practices of the republican party, and of form- ing his hero on some peculiarities in the cha- racter of Sir Samuel.

On the restoration, he was made secretary to the Earl of Carbury, president of the princi- pality of Wales, who conferred on him the stewardship of Ludlow Castle, which Mr. War- ton thinks was a very honourable and lucrative office. About this time he married Mrs. Her- bert, a lady of some fortune, which, one of his biographers informs us, was lost by bad secu- rities.

In 1663, the first three cantos of his Hudibras Were published, and introduced to the attention of the court by the Earl of Dorset. In the fol- lowing year, the second part made its appear- ance ; and such was the general popularity of this poem, and the particular favour with which it was received by the king and courtiers, that every one expected some special reward would be bestowed on the ingenious author : but, ex- cept three hundred guineas which the king is

vi LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER.

said, upon no very good authority, to have sent to him, we find no trace of any reward or pro- motion whatever. Discouraging as this treat- ment was, Butler published the third part in 1678, which still leaves the story imperfect.

He died in 1680, and was buried in the church-yard of Covent Garden. About sixty years afterward, Alderman Barber, the printer, erected a monument to his memory in West- minster Abbey.

After his death three small volumes of his posthumous pieces were published, but among them are many spurious. In 1759, Mr. Thayer, of Manchester, published two volumes, which are indubitably genuine, and consist of prose and verse ; but from neither of these publica- tions can we collect any information as to his private life and character. He is said to have made no figure in conversation proportionate to the wit displayed in his immortal poem ; and King Charles, who had a curiosity to see him, could never be brought to believe that he wrote Hudibras.

Butler has usually been ranked among the unfortunate poets who have been neglected by their age ; yet although we can find no proof of royal munificence having been extended to him, there appears no reason to think that he was poor in the most unfavourable sense.

Although the persons and events introduced in Hudibras are now forgotten, or known only to historic students, the exquisite humour of this piece is still as keenly relished as when first pre- sented to the public; and much of it has long been introduced into conversation as axioms of wit and sense. It has, indeed, been justly ob- served by Dr. Nash, that, concerning Hudibras, there is but one sentiment: it is universally allowed to be the first and last poem of its kind ; the learning, wit, and humour certainly stand inrivalled.

HUDIBRAS.

PART L— CANTO I.

Sir Hudibras his passing worth, The manner how he sally'd forth, His arms and equipage-are shown ; His horse's virtues and his own. Th' adventure of the Bear and Fiddle Is sung, but breaks off in the middle.

When civil dudgeon first grew high,

And men fell out they knew not why ;

When hard words, jealousies, and fears,

Set folks together by the ears,

And made them fight, like mad or drunk, 5

For dame Religion as for punk ;

Whose honesty they all durst swear for,

Tho' not a man of them knew wherefore ;

When gospel-trumpeter, surrounded

With long-ear'd rout, to battle sounded, 10

And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick,

Was beat with fist instead of a stick ;

Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling,

And out he rode a colonelling.

A wight he was whose very sight would 15

Entitle him Mirrour of Knighthood ;

That never bow'd his stubborn knee

To any thing but chivalry ;

Nor put up blow, but that which laid

Right worshipful on shoulder-blade : 20

Chief of domestic knights and errant,

Either for chartel or for warrant ;

1. Dudgeon. Who made the alterations in the last edition of this poem I know not, but they are certainly sometimes for the worse ; and I cannot believe the au- thor would have changed a word so proper in that place as ' dudgeon' is, for that of ' fury,' as it is in the last edition. To take in dudgeon, is inwardly to resent some injury or affront ; a sort of grumbling in the gizzard, and what is previous to actual fury.

8 HUDIBRAS.

Great on the bench, great in the saddle,

That could as well bind o'er as swaddle :

Mighty he was at both of these, 25

And styl'd of war as well as peace.

(So some rats, of amphibious nature,

Are either for tho land or water.)

But here our author makes a doubt,

Whether he were more wise or stout. 30

Some hold the one, and some the other ;

But howsoe'er they make a pother,

The diff'rence was so small, his brain

Outweighed his rage but half a grain ;

Which made some take him for a tool, 35

That knaves do work with, call'd a fool.

For 't has been held by many, that

As Montaigne, playing with his cat,

Complains she thought him but an ass,

Much more she would Sir Hudibras 40

(For that's the name our valiant Knight

To all his challenges did write.)

But they're mistaken very much ;

'Tis plain enough he was no such.

We grant, altho' he had much wit, 45

H' was very shy of using it ;

As being loth to wear it out,

And therefore bore it not about ;

Unless on holy-days, or so,

As men their best apparel do. 50

Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek

As naturally as pigs squeak :

That Latin was no more difficile,

Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle.

Being rich in both, he never scanted 55

His bounty unto such as wanted :

But much of either would afford

To many that had not one word.

For Hebrew roots, altho' they're found

To flourish most in barren ground, 60

24. Bind over to the sessions, as being a justice of the peace in his county, as well as a colonel of a regiment of foot in the Parliament's army, and a committee-man.

38. Montaigne, in his Essays, supposes his cat thought him a fool for losing his time in playing with her.

PART I.— CANTO I. 9

He had such plenty as suffic'd

To make some think him circumcis'd ;

And truly, so he was perhaps,

Not as a proselyte, but for claps.

He was in logic a great critick, 65

Profoundly skill'd in analytick ; He could distinguish and divide A hair 'twixt south and south-west side ; On either which he would dispute, Confute, change hands, and still confute. 70 He'd undertake to prove, by force Of argument, a man's no horse. He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, And that a lord may be an owl, A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75

And rooks committee-men and trustees. HeM run in debt by disputation, And pay with ratiocination. All this by syllogism, true In mood and figure he would do. 80

For Rhetoric, he could not ope His mouth, but out there flew a trope :

62. Here again is an alteration without any amendment t for the following lines,

And truly, so he was, perhaps,

Not as a proselyte, out for claps, Are thus changed :

And truly so, perhaps, he was ;

'Tis many a pious Christian's case. The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a strange reason why Moses imposed the law of circumcision on the Jews; which, how untrue soever, I will give the learned reader an account of without translation ; as I find it in the annotations upon Horace, wrote by my worthy and learned friend Mr. William Baxter, the great restorer of the ancient, and promoter of modern learning.

Hor. Sat. 9. Sermon. lib. i.— ' Curtis ; quia pellicula immi- nuti sunt ; quia Moses Rex Judaeorem, cujus Legibus regun-

tur, neglgentia — medicinaliter exsectus est, et ne

eolus esset notabilis, omnes circumcidi voluit. Vet. SchoL

Vocem — qua? inscitia Librarii exciderat reposui

mus ex conjectura, uti et medicinaliter exsectus pro medici- nalis effectus Quae nihil erant, Q,uis miretur ejusmodi con- vicia houi'ir Epicureo atque Pagano excidisse? Jure igitur Henrico Glareano Diaooh Organum videtur. Etiam Satyra Cluinta haec habet : Constat omnia miracula certa ratibne fieri, de quibus Epicurei prudentissime disputant.'

66. Anaiytic is a part of logic that teaches to decline and construe reason, as grammar does words

10 HUDIBRAS.

And when he happened to break off

I' th' middle of his speech, or cough,

H' had hard words ready to shew why, 85

And tell what rules he did it by :

Else, when with greatest art he spoke,

You'd think he talk'd like other folk :

For all a rhetorician's rules

Teach nothing but to name his tools. 90

Bat, when he pleas'd to shew't, his speech,

In loftiness of sound, was rich ;

A Babylonish dialect,

Which learned pedants much affect.

It was a party-colourM dress 95

Of patch'd and pye-ball'd languages :

'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,

Like fustian heretofore on satin.

It had an odd promiscuous tone,

As if h' had talk'd three parts in one ; 100

Which made some think, when he did gabble,

Th' had heard three labourers of Babel;

Or Cerberus himself pronounce

A leash of languages at once.

This he as volubly would vent 105

As if his stock would ne'er be spent;

And truly to support that charge,

He had supplies as vast and large :

For he could coin or counterfeit

New words with little or no wit : 110

Words, so debas'd and hard, no stone

Was hard enough to touch them on:

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em,

The ignorant for current took 'em;

93. A confusion of languages, such as some of our modern virtuosi used to express themselves in.

103. Cerberus; a name which our poets tzive a dog with three heads, which they feigned door-keeper of hell, that caressed the unfortunate sou la sent thither, and devoured them that would get out again : yet Hercules tied him up, and made him follow. This dog with three heads, denotes the past, the present, and the time to come, which receive, and, as it were, devour all things. Hercules got the better of him. which shews thai heroic actions are always victorious over time, because they are present in the memory of posterity

PART I.— CANTO I. 11

That had the orator, who once 115

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones

When he harangu'd, but known his phrase,

He would have usM no other ways.

In Mathematicks he was greater

Than Tycho Brahe or Erra Pater : 120

For he, by geometrick scale,

Could take the size of pots of ale ;

Resolve, by signs and tangents, straight,

If bread or butter wanted weight ;

And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125

The clock does strike, byalgebra.

Beside, he was a shrewd philosopher,

And had read ev'ry text and gloss over •

Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath,

He understood b' implicit faith : 130

Whatever sceptic could inquire for,

For evVy why he had a wherefore ;

Knew more than forty of them do,

As far as words and terms could go :

All which he understood by rote, 135

And, as occasion serv'd, would quote :

115. Demosthenes, who is said to have had a defect in hii pronunciation, which he cured by using to speak with little stones in his mouth.

I2b. Tycho Brahe was an eminent Danish mathematician. Q,uer. in Collier's Dictionary, or elsewhere.

131. Sceptic. Pyrrho was the chief of the sceptic philoso- phers, and was at first, as Apollodorus saith, a painter, then became the hearer of Driso, and at last the disciple of Anaxa- goras, whom he followed into India, to see the Gymnoso- phists- He pretended that men did nothing but by custom ; that there was neither honesty nor dishonesty, justice nor injustice, good nor evil. He was very solitary, lived to be ninety years old, was highly esteemed in his country, and created chief priest He lived in the time of Epicurus and Theophrastus, about the 120th Olympiad. His followers were called Pyrrhonians ; besides which, they were named the Ephetics and Aphoretics, but more generally Sceptics. This sect made their chiefest good to consist in a sedatenesa of mind, exempt from all passions; in regulating their opi- nions, and moderating their passions, which they call Ataxia and Metropathia; and in suspending their judgment in re- gard of good and evil, truth or falsehood, which they call Epechi. Sextus Empiricus, who lived in the second century, under the Emperor Antoninus Pius, writ ten books againet the mathematicians or astrologers, and three of the Pyrrho- nian opinion. The word is derived from the Greek "■"— ■*"- — o,uod est, ' conaiderare, speculari,1

12 HUDIBRAS.

No matter whether right or wrong-,

They might be either said or sung.

His notions fitted things so well, N

That which was which he could not tell ; 140

But oftentimes mistook the one

For th1 other, as great clerks have done.

He could reduce all things to acts,

And knew their natures by abstracts ;

Where entity and quiddity, 145

The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly ;

Where truth in person does appear,

Like words congeaFd in northern air.

He knew what's what, and that's as high

As metaphysic wit can fly. 150

In school-divinity as able

As he that hight Irrefragable ;

A second Thomas, or, at once

To name them all, another Dunce:

143. The old philosophers thought to extract notions out of natural things, as chymists do spirits and essences ; and, when they had refined them into the nicest subtilties, gave them as insignificant names as those operators do their ex- tractions : But, (as Seneca says) the subtler things arc ren dered, they are but the nearer to nothing. So are all their definition of things by acts the nearer to nonsense.

147. Some authors have mistaken truth for a real thing, When it is nothing but a right method of putting those no tions or images of Ihings (in the understanding of man) into the same state and order that their originals hold in nature ; and therefore Aristotle says, 'Unumquodque sicut se habet secundum esse, ita se habet secundum veritatem.' Met 1. ii.

148. Some report, that in Nova Zembla and Greenland, men's words are wont to be frozen in the air, and at the thaw may be heard.

151. Here again is another alteration of three or four lines, as I think, for the worse.

Some specific epithets were added to the title of some fa mous doctors, as Angelicus, Irrefragabilis, Subtilis, &c. Vide Vossi Etymolog. Baillet Jugemens de Sqavans, and Possevin's Apparatus.

153. Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican friar, was born in 1224, and studied at Cologne and Paris. He new-modelled the school divinity, and was therefore called the Angelic Doctor, and Eagle of Divines. The most illustrious persons of his time were ambitious of his friendship, and put a hieh value on his merits, so that they offered him bishoprics, which he refused with as much ardour as others seek after them. He died in the fiftieth year of his age, and was canonized by Pope John XII. We have his works in eighteen volumes, several times printed.

Johannas Dunscotaa was a very learned man, who lived

; PART L— CANTO I. 13

Profound in all the nominal 155

And real ways beyond them all;

For he a rope of sand could twist

As tough as learned Sorbonist ;

And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull

That's empty when the moon is full ; 160

Such as take lodgings in a head

That's to be let unfurnished.

He could raise scruples dark and nice,

And after solve 'em in a trice ;

As if Divinity had catch'd . 165

The itch on purpose to be scratch'd ;

Or, like a mountebank, did wound

And stab herself with doubts profound,

Only to shew with how small pain

The sores of faith are cur'd again ; 170

about the end of the thirteenth and beginning of the fourteenth century. The English and Scotch strive which of them shall have the honour of his birth. The English say he was born in Northumberland ; the Scots allege he was born at Duns, in the Mers, the neighbouring county to Northumberland, and hence was called Dunscotus. Moreri, Buchanan, ana other Scotch historians, are of this opinion, and for proof cite his epitaph :

Scotia me genuit, Anglia suscepit,

Gallia edocuit, Germania tenet.

He died at Cologne, November 8, 1308. In the supplement to Dr. Cave's Historia Literaria, he is said to be extraordi- jary learned in physics, metaphysics, mathematics, and as- tronomy ; that his fame was so great when at Oxford, that 90,000 scholars came thither to hear his lectures ; that when at Paris, his arguments and authority carried it for the im- maculate conception of the Blessed Virgin : so that they ap- fiointed a festival on that account, and would admit no scho- ar3 to degrees but such as were of this mind. He was a great opposer of Thomas Aquinas's doctrine ; and, for being a very acute logician, was called Doctor Subtilis ; which was the reason also that an old punster always called him the Lathy Doctor.

158. Sorbon was the first and most considerable college of the university of Paris, founded in the reign of St. Lewis, by Robert Sorbon, which name is sometimes given to the whole university of Paris, which was founded about the year 741, by Charlemagne, at the persuasion of the learned Alcuinus, who was one of. the first professors there ; since which time it has been very famous. This college has been rebuilt with an ex traordinary magnificence, at the charge of Cardinal Riche- lieu, and contains lodgings for thirty -six doctors, who are called the Society of Sorbon. Those which are received among them before they have received their doctor's degree, are only said to be of the hospitality of Sorbon. Claud. Hem» raua de Acad Paris. Spondan. in AnnaL

14 HUDIBRAS.

Altho' by woful proof we find

They always leave a scar behind.

He knew the seat of Paradise,

Could tell in what degree it lies ;

And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it 175

Below the moon, or else above it :

What Adam dreamt of, when his bride

Came from her closet in his side :

Whether the devil tempted her

By a High-Dutch interpreter : 180

If either of them had a navel :

Who first made music malleable :

Whether the serpent, at the fall,

Had cloven feet or none at all.

All this without a gloss or comment, 185

He could unriddle in a moment,

tn proper terms, such as men smatter,

When they throw out, and miss the matter.

For his religion, it was fit To match his learning and his wit : 190

'Twas Presbyterian true blue ; For he was of that stubborn crew Of errant saints whom all men grant To be the true church militant ; Such as do build their faith upon 195

The holy text of pike and gun ; Decide all controversies by Infallible artillery ; And prove their doctrine orthodox By apostolic blows and knocks : 200

Call fire, and sword, and desolation, A godly thorough reformation,

173. There is nothing more ridiculous than the various opinions of authors about the seat of Paradise. Sir Wal- ter Raleigh has taken a great deal of pains to collect them, in the beginning of his History of the World, where those who are unsatisfied may be fully informed.

180. Goropius Becanus endeavours to prove, that High Dutch was the language that Adam and Eve spoke in Paradise.

181. Adam and Eve being made,and not conceived and formed in the womb, had no navels, as some learned tneu have supposed, because they had no need of them.

182. Music is said to be invented by Pythagoras, who first found out the proportion of notes from the sound* pf hammers upon an anvi).

PART I.— CANTO I. 15

Which always must be carry'd on,

And still be doing, never done :

As if religion were intended 205

For nothing else but to be mended.

A sect whose chief devotion lies

In odd perverse antipathies ;

In falling out with that or this,

And rinding somewhat still amiss : 210

More peevish, cross, and splenetick,

Than dog distract, or monkey sick ;

That with more care keep holy-day

The wrong, than others the right way :

Compound for sins they are inclin'd to, 215

By damning those they have n8 mind to :

Still so perverse and opposite,

As if they worshipp'd God for spite.

The self-same thing they will abhor

One way, and long another for. 220

Free-will they one way disavow ;

Another, nothing else allow.

All piety consists therein

In them, in other men all sin.

Rather than fail, they will decry 225

That which they love most tenderly ;

Quarrel with minc'd pies, and disparage

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge .

Fat pig and goose itself oppose,

And blaspheme custard thro' the nose. 230

Th' apostles of this fierce religion,

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon ;

To whom our Knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linkt,

As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235

Had got th' advowson of his conscience.

Thus was he gifted and accouterd, We mean on th' inside not the outward; .That next of all we shall discuss : Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus : 240

232 Mahomet had a tame dove that used to pick seeds out of.his ear, that it might be thought to whisperand inspire him. His ass was so intimate with him,Nthat the Mahometans believed it carried him to heaven, and stays there with him to bring him back again.

18 HUDIBRAS.

His tawny beard was th equal grace

Both of his wisdom and his face;

In cut and dye so like a tile,

A sudden view it would beguile:

The upper part thereof was whey; 245

The nether, orange mix'd with gray.

This hairy meteor did denounce

The fall of sceptres and of crowns;

With grisly type did represent

Declining age of government; 250

And tell with hieroglyphick spade,

Its own grave and the state's were made.

Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew

In time to make a nation rue ;

Tho' it contributed its own fall, 255

To wait upon the publick downfall :

It was monastick, and did grow

In holy orders by strict vow ;

Of rule as sullen and severe

As that of rigid Cordelier. 260

'Twas bound to suffer persecution

And martyrdom with resolution ;

T' oppose itself against the hate

And vengeance of th' incensed state ;

In whose defiance it was worn, 265

Still ready to be pull'd and torn ;

With red-hot irons to be tortur'd ;

RevilM, and spit upon, and martyr'd.

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast,

As lon£ as monarchy should last ; 270

But when the state should hap to reel,

'Twas to submit to fatal steel,

And fall, as it was consecrate,

A sacrifice to fall of state ;

Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 275

Did twist together with its whiskers,

And twine so close, that Time should never,

In life or death, their fortunes sever:

But with his rusty sickle mow

Both down together at a blow. 280

257- He made a vow never to cut his beard until the Parliament had subdued the king . of which order of fanatic votaries there were many in those times.

PART I.— CANTO I. 17

So learn'd Taliacotius from

The brawny part of porter's bum

Cut supplemental noses, which

Would last as long as parent breech ; 285

But when the date of nock was out,

Offdropp'd the sympathetic snout.

His back, or rather burthen, shew'd As if it stoop'd with its own load : For as iEneas bore his sire Upon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290

Our Knight did bear no less a pack Of his own buttocks on his back ; Which now had almost got the upper- Hand of his head, for want of crupper. To poise this equally, he bore 295

A paunch of the same bulk before ; Which still he had a special care To keep well cramm'd with thrifty fare ; As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, Such as a country-house affords ; 300

With other vittle, which anon We farther shall dilate upon,

281. Taliacotius was an Italian surgeon, that found out a way to repair lost and decayed noses.

This Taliacotius was chief surgeon to the great duke of Tuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis Membris, which he dedicates to his great master; wherein he not only declares the models of his wonderful operations in restoring of lost members, but gives you cuts of the very instruments and ligatures he made use of therein ; from hence our author (cum poetica licentia) has taken his simile.

289. .<Eneas was the son of Anchises and Venus; a Trojan, who after long travels, came to Italy > and after the death of his father-in-law, Latinus, was made king of Latium, and reigned three years. His story is too long to insert here, and therefore 1 refer you to Virgil's iEneids. Troy being laid in ashes, he took his aged fa- ther Anchises upon his back, and rescued him from his enemies. But being too solicitous for his son and house- hold gods, he lost his wife Oreusa ; which Mr. Dryden, in his excellent translation, thus expresseth: Haste, my dear father (Mis no time to wait,) And load my shoulders with a willing freight. Whate'er befals, your life shall be my care ; One death, or one deliv'rance, we will share. My hand shall lead our little son ; and you, My faithful consort, shall our steps pursue.

18 HJDIBKAS.

When of his hose we come to treat, The cupboard where he kept his meat.

His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305

And though not sword, yet cudgel proof; Whereby 'twas fitter for his use, Who fear'd no blows, but such as bruise.

His breeches were of rugged woollen*. And had been at the siege of Bullen ; 310

To old king Harry so well known, Some writers held they were his own. Thro' they were lin'd with ma'ny a piece Of ammunition bread and cheese, And fat black-puddings, proper food 315

For warriors that delight in blood. For, as we said, he always chose To carry vittle in his hose, That often tempted fats and mice The ammunition to surprise : 320

And when he put a hand but in The one or t' other magazine, They stoutly in defence on't stood, And from the wounded foe drew blood ; And till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325 Ne'er left the fortify 'd redoubt. And tho' knights-errant, as some think, Of old did neither eat nor drink, Because, when thorough deserts vast, And regions desolate, they past, 330

Where belly-timber above ground, Or under, was not to be found, Unless they graz'd, there's not one word Of their provision on record; Which made some confidently write, 335

They had no stomachs, but to fight. 5Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall Round table like a farthingal, On which, with shiit pull'd out behind, And eke before, his good knights din'd. 340

337. Who this Arthur was, and whether any ever reigned in Britain, has been doubted heretofore, and ia by some to this very day However, the history of him, which makes him one of the nine worthies of the world, i§ a subject sufficient for the poet to be pleasant upon.

PART L— CANTO I. 19

Though 'twas no table, some suppose,

But a huge pair of round trunk hose ;

In which he carryM as much meat

As he and all the knights could eat, 344

When, laying by their swords and truncheons,

They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons.

But let that pass at present, lest

We should forget where we digrest,

As learned authors use, to whom

We leave it, and to th' purpose come. 350

His puissant sword unto his side, Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd ; With basket-hilt, that would hold broth, And serve for fight and dinner both. In it he melted lead for bullets, 355

To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, To whom he bore so fell a grutch, He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty, For want of fighting, was grown rusty, 360 And ate into itself, for lack Of somebody to hew and hack. The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt The rancour of its edge had felt ; For of the lower end two handful 365

It had devoured, 'twas so manful ; And so much scorn *d to lurk in case, As if it durst not shew its face. In many desperate attempts, Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 370

It had appear'd with courage bolder Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder. Oft had it ta'en possession, And prisoners too, or made them run.

This sword a dagger had t' his page, 375 That was but little for his age ; And therefore waited on him so, As dwarfs upon knights-errant do.

359. The capital city of New Castile, in Spain, with an archbishopric and primacy. It was very famous, amongst other things, for tempering the best metal for •words, as Damascus was, and perhaps may be still.

20 HUDIBRAS.

It was a serviceable dudgeon,

Either for fighting or for drudging. 380

When it had stabb'd, or broke a head,

It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread ;

Toast cheese or bacon ; tho1 it were

To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care.

'Twould make clean shoes ; and in the earth 385

Set leeks and onions, and so forth.

It had been 'prentice to a brewer,

Where this and more it did endure ;

But left the trade, as many more,

Have lately done on the same score. 390

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow, Two aged pistols he did stow, Among the surplus of such meat As in his hose he could not get. These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 395 To forage when the cocks were bent : And sometimes catch 'em with a snap As cleverly as th' ablest trap. They were upon hard duty still, And ev'ry night stood sentinel, 400

To guard the magazine i' the hose From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes.

Thus clad and fortify'd, Sir Knight From peaceful home set forth to fight. But first with nimble, active force 405

He got on th' outside of his horse ; For having but one stirrup ty'd T' his saddle, on the farther side, It was so short h' had much ado To reach it with his desp'rate toe : 410

But after many strains and heaves, He got up to the saddle-eaves, Frpm whence he vaulted into th' seat, With so much vigour, strength, and heat, That he had almost tumbled over 415

With his own weight, but did recover, By laying hold on tail and mane, Which oft he us'd instead of rein.

389. Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride had bcett both brewers.

PART I.— CANTO I. 21

But now we talk of mountain steed, Before we farther do proceed, 420

It doth behove us to say something Of that which bore our valiant bumpkin. The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall. I would say eye ; for h' had but one, - 425 As most agree ; tho' some say none. He was well stay'd ; and in his gait Preserv'd a grave majestic state. At spur or switch no more he skept, Or mended pace than Spaniard whipt; 430 And yet so fiery he would bound As if he griev'd to touch the ground : That CfBsar's horse, who as fame goes Had corns upon his feet and toes, Was not by half so tender hooft, 435

Nor trod upon the ground so soft. And as that beast would kneel and stoop (Some write) to take his rider up, So Hudibras his ('tis well known) Would often do to set him down. 440

We shall not need to say what lack Of leather was upon his back ; For that was hidden under pad, And breech of Knight, galFd full as bad. His strutting ribs on both sides shew'd 445 Like furroughs he himself had plow'd; For underneath the skirt of pannel, 'Twixt evYy two there was a channel. His draggling tail hung in the dirt, Which on his rider he would flirt, 450

Still as his tender side he prick'd, With arm'd heol, or with unarm'd, kick'd; For Hudibras wore but one spur ; As wisely knowing, could he stir To active trot one side of 's horse, * 455

The other would not hang an arse.

A squire he had, whose name was Ralph, That in th' adventure wenfhis half:

433. Julius Ceesar had a horse with feet like a man's. 'Utebatur equo insigni ; pedibus prope humanis, et in modura digitorum ungulis fissis. Suet, in Jul. cap. 61*

22 HUDIBRAS.

Though writers, for more stately tune,

Do call him Ralpho ; 'tis all one ; 460

And when we can with metre safe,

We'll call him so ; if not, plain Ralph.

vFor rhyme the rudder is of verses,

With which like ships they steer their courses/*

An equal stock of wit and valour 465

He had laid in ; by birth a tailor.

The mighty Tyrian queen that gain'd

With subtle shreds a tract of land,

Did leave it with a castle fair

To his great ancestor, her heir. # 470

From him descended cross-legg'd knights,

Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fights

Against the bloody cannibal,

Whom they destroy'd both great and small.

This sturdy Squire he had, as well 475

As the bold Trojan knight, seen Hell ;

Not with a counterfeited pass

Of golden bough, but true gold-lace.

His knowledge was not far behind

The Knights, but of another kind, 480

And he another way came by't :

Some call it Gifts, and some New-Light ;

A liberal art that costs no pains

Of study, industry, or brains.

His wit was sent him for a token, 485

But in the carriage crack'd and broken.

Like commendation nine-pence crook'd,

With — To and from my love — It look'd.

He ne'er consider'd it, as loth

To look a gift-horse in the mouth ; 490

And very wisely would lay forth

No more upon it than 'twas worth.

But as he got it freely, so

He spent it frank and freely too.

467. Dido, queen of Carthage, who bought as much land as she could compass with an ox's hide, which she cut into small thongs, and cheated the owner of so much ground as served her to build Carthage upon.

476. iEneas, whom Virgil reports to use a golden bough for a pass to hell ; and tailors call that place hell where they put all they steal.

PART I.— CANTO I. 23

For saints themselves will sometimes be, 495

Of gifts that cost them nothing, free.

By means of this, with hem and cough,

Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff.

He could deep mysteries unriddle

As easily as thread a needle. 500

For as of vagabonds we say,

That they are ne'er beside the way ;

Whate'er men speak by this New Light,

Still they are sure to be i' th' right.

*Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit, 505

Which none see by but those that bear it ;

A light that falls down from on high,

For spiritual trades to cozen by :

An ignis fatuus, that bewitches

And leads men into pools and ditches, 510

To make them dip themselves, and sound

For Christendom in dirty pond ;

To dive like wild-fowl for salvation,

And fish to catch regeneration.

This light inspires and plays upon 515

The nose of saint like bag-pipe drone,

And speaks through hollow empty soul,

As through a trunk or whisp'ring hole,

Such language as no mortal ear

But spiri^al eaves-droppers can hear : 520

So Phoebus, or some friendly muse,

Into small poets' song infuse,

Which they at second-hand rehearse,

Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse.

Thus Ralph became infallible 525

As three or four-legg'd oracle, The ancient cup, or modern chair ; Spoke truth point-blank, tho' unaware, 9

For mystic learning, wondrous able In magic Talisman and Cabal, 530

526. Read the great Geographical Dictionary under that word.

530. Talisman is a device to destroy any sort of ver- min, by casting their images in metal, in a precise mi- nute, when the stars are perfectly inclined to do them all the mischief they can This has been experienced by some modern virtuosi upon rats, mice, and fleas, and found (as they affirm) to produce the effect with adrai- table success. \. Raymond Lully interprets cabal, out of the Arabic, to

U HUDIBRAS.

Whose primitive tradition reaches As far as Adam's first green breeches: ;.eep sighted in intelligences,

deas, atoms, influences ;

And much of terra incognita, 535

Th' intelligible world, could say : A deep occult Philosopher, As learn'd as the wild Irish are, Or Sir Agrippa; for profound And solid lying much renown'd. 540

Be Anthroposophus and Floud, And Jacob Behmen understood : Knew many an amulet and charm, That would do neither good nor harm: *n Rosy-crucian lore as learned, 545

As he that Vere adeptus earned. He understood the speech of birds As well as they themselves do words ; Could tell what subtlest parrots mean, That speak and think contrary clean : 550

signify Scientia superabundans ; which his comment*- tator, Cornelius Agrippa, by ovei magnifying, has ren- dered a very superfluous foppery.

532. The author of Magia Ademica endeavours to prove the learning of the ancient M.igito be derived from that knowledge which God himself taught Adam in Paradise before the fall

535 The intelligible world is a kind of Terra del Fuego, or Psittacorum Regio, &c discovered only by the philosophers, of which they talk like parrots, what the)' do not understand.

538. No nation in the world is more addicted to this occult philosophy than the wild Irish are, as appears by the whole ptactice of their lives ; of which see Camden in his description of Ireland.

539. They who would know more of Sir Cornelius Acri^a, here meant, may consult the Great Diciionary.

54 1 . A nthroposophus is only a compound Greek word, which signifies a man that is wise in the knowledge of men, as is used by some anonymous author to conceal his true name

Dr. Floud was n sort of an Engli?h Rosy crucian, whose works are extant, and as intelligible as those of Jacob Behmen.

545. The fraternity of the Rosy crucians is very like the sect of the ancient Gnostici, who called themselves bo from the excellent learning they pretender to, al- though they were the most ridiculous sots of mankind.

Vere adeptus is one that haa commenced in their fa- tatic extravagance.

PART I.— CANTO I. 25

What member 'tis of whom they talk, When they cry Rope, and Walk, knave, walk. He'd extract numbers out of matter, And keep them in a glass, like water ; Of sov'reign pow'r to make men wise ; 555 For dropp'd in blear thick-sighted eyes, They'dT make them see in darkest night, Like owls, tho' purblind in the light. By help of these (as he profess'd) He had First Matter seen undress'd : 560

He took her naked all alone, Before one rag of form was on. The Chaos too he had descry 'd, And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd : Not that of pasteboard which men shew 565 For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew ; But its great grandsire, first o' th' name, Whence that and Reformation came ; Both cousin-germans, and right able T' inveigle and draw in the rabble. 570

But Reformation was, some say, O' th' younger house to Puppet-play. He could foretel whats'ever was By consequence to come to pass ; As death of great men, alterations, 575

Diseases, battles, inundations, All this, without th" eclipse o" th' sun, Or dreadful comet, he hath done, By inward light ; a way as good, And easy to be understood ; 580

But with more lucky hit than those That use to make the stars depose, Like knights o' th' post, and falsely charge Upon themselves what others forge : As if they were consenting to 585

All mischief in the world men do: Or like the devil did tempt and sway 'em To rogueries, and then betray 'em. They'll, search a planet's house to know Who broke and robb'd a house below : 590 Examine Venus, and the Moon, Who stole a thimble or a spoon ; C

6 HUDIBRAS.

And tho' they nothing will confess,

Yet by their very looks can guess,

And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595

Who stole, and who received the goods.

They'll question Mars, and by his look,

Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloke ;

Make Mercury confess, and "peach

Those thieves which he himself did teach. 600

They'll find i' th' physiognomies

O' th' planets, all men's destinies ;

Like him that took the doctor's bill,

And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill :

Cast the nativity o' th' question, 605

And from positions to be guess'd on,

As sure as if they knew the moment

Of native's birth tell what will come on't.

They'll feel the pulses of the stars,

To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs ; 610

And tell what crisis does divine

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine :

In men, what gives or cures the itch;

What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ;

What gains or loses, hangs or saves ; 615

What makes men great, what fools or knaves,

But not what wise ; for only of those

The stars (they say) cannot dispose,

No more than can the astrologians ;

There they say right, and like true Trojans. 620

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took

The other course, of which we spoke.

Thus was th' accomplished Squire endu'd With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd. Never did trusty Squire with Knight, 625

Or Kfiight with Squire, e'er jump more right. Their arms and equipage did fit, As well as virtues, parts, and wit. Their valours too were of a rate ; And out they sally'd at the gate. 530

Few miles on horseback had they jogged, But Fortune unto them turn'd dogged ; For they a sad adventure met, O^ which anon we mean to treat ;

PART L— CANTO I. 27

But ere we venture to unfold 635

Achievements so resolv'd and bold,

We should, as learned poets use,

Invoke the assistance of some muse*

However, critics count it sillier

Than jugglers talking to familiar. 640

We think 'tis no great matter which ;

They're all alike ; yet we shall pitch

On one that fits our purpose most,

Whom therefore thus do we accost :

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645

Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vickars, And force thenvtho"' it was in spite Of nature and their stars, to write ; Who. as we find in sullen writs, And cross-grainM works of modern wits, 650 With vanity, opinion, want, The wonder of the ignorant, The praises of the author, penn'd B' himself, or wit-ensuring friend ; The itch of picture in the front, 655

With bays and wicked rhyme upon't; All that is left o' th • forked hill, To make men scribble without skill ; Canst make a poet spite of fate, And teach all people to translate, 660

Tho1 out of languages in which They understand no part of speech; Assist me but this once, I 'mplore, And I shall trouble thee no more.

In western clime there is a town, 665

To those that dwell therein well known; Therefore there needs no more be said her©-; We unto them refer our reader ; For brevity is very good,

When w*1 are, or are not, understood. 670

To this town people did repair, On days of market, or of fair,

646. This Vickars was a man of as great interest and authority in the late Reformation as Pryn or Withers, and as able a poet. He translated Virgil's TEneids inta as horrible travesty in earnest, as the French Scaroon did in burlesque, and was only outdone in his way by the politic author of Oceana

2? HUDIBRAS.

And to crack'd fiddle, and horse tabor,

In merriment did drudge and labour.

But now a sport more formidable 675

Had rak'd together village rabble;

'Twas an old way of recreating,

Which learned butchers call bear-baiting :

A boid advent'rous exercise,

With ancient heroes in high prize : 680

For authors do affirm it came

From Isthmean or Nemean game:

Others derive it from the bear

That's fix'd in northern hemisphere,

And round about the pole does make 685

A circle like a bear at stake,

That at the chain's end wheels about,

And overturns the rabble-rout.

For after solemn proclamation,

In the bear's name (as is the fashion, 690

According to the law of arms,

To keep men from inglorious harms,)

That none presume to come so near

As forty foot of stake of bear,

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695

T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy

If they come wounded off, and lame,

No honour's got by such a maim ;

Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound

In honour to make good his ground, 700

When he's engaged, and takes no notice,

If any press upon him, who 'tis ;

But lets them know, at their own cost,

That he intends to keep his post.

This to prevent, and other harms, 705

Which always wait on feats of arms

(For in the hurry of a fray

5Tis hard to keep out of harms way,)

Thither the Knight his course did steer,

To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear; 710

As he believ'd he was bound to do

In conscience, and commission too ;

PART I.— CANTO I. 29

And therefore thus bespoke the Squire :

We that are wisely mounted higher Than constables in curule wit, 715

When on tribunal bench we sit, Like speculators should foresee, From Pharos of authority, Portended mischiefs farther than Low Proletarian tything-men : 720

And therefore being informed by bruit, That dog* and bear are to dispute ; ___ ^

For so of late men fighting name, Because they- often prove the same (For where the first does hap to be, 725

The last does coincidere ;) Quantum in nobis, have thought good, To save th' expense of Christian blood, And try if we by mediation Of treaty and accommodation, 730

Can end the quarrel, and compose The bloody duel without blows. Are not our liberties, our lives, The laws, religion, and our wives, Enough at once to lie at stake 735

For Cov'nant and the Cause's sake ? But in that quarrel dogs and bears, As well as we, must venture theirs? This feud, by Jesuits invented, By evil counsel is fomented ; 740

Their is a Machiaveiian plot (Tho* every nare olfact it not,) A deep design in't, to divide The well-affected that confide, «

By setting brother against brother, 745

To claw and curry one another. Have we not enemies, plus satis, That, cane'et angue pejus, hate us?

740 This speech is set down as it was delivered by the Knight, in his own words ; but since it is below the gravity of heroical poetry to admit of humour, but all men are obliged to speak wisely alike, and too much of so extravagant a folly would become tedious and im- pertinent, the rest of his harangues have only his sense expressed in other words, unless in some few places, where his own words could not be so well avoided.

30 HUDIBRAS.

And shall we turn our fangs and claws

Upon our own selves, without cause .? 750

That some occult design doth lie

Jn bloody cynarctomachy,

Is plain enough to him that knows

How saints lead brothers by the nose.

I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, 755

But sure some mischief will come of it;

Unless by providential wit,

Or force, we averruncate it.

For what design, what interest,

Can beast have to encounter beast? 760

They fight for no espoused cause,

Frail privilege, fundamental laws,

Nor for a thorough reformation,

For covenant, nor protestation,

Nor liberty of consciences, 765

Nor Lords and Commons' ordinances ;

Nor for the church, nor for church-lands,

To get them in their own no-hands ;

Nor evil counsellors to bring

To justice that seduce the king ; 770

Nor for the worship of us men,

Though we have done as much for them.

Th' Egyptians worshipp'd dogs, and for

Their faith made internecine war.

Others ador'd a rat, and some 775

For that church suifer'd martyrdom.

The Indians fought for the truth

Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth,

752. Cynarctomachy signifies nothing in the world but a figljt between dogs and bears ; though both the learned and ignorant agree that in such words very great knowledge is contained : and our Knight, as one,oi both of those, was of the same opinion.

758. Another of the same kind, which, though it ap-

Eear ever so learned and profound, means nothing else ut the weeding of corn.

778. The History of the White Flephant and the Monkey's Tooth, which the Indians adored, is written Dy Mons. le Blanc. This monkey's tooth was taken by the Portuguese from those that worshipped ir ; and though they offered a vast ransom for it, yet the Chris- tians were persuaded by their priests rather to burn it. But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the people present Were not able to endure the horrible stink that came from It as if the lire had been made of the same ingredients

PART I.— CANTO I. 31

And many, to defend that faith,

Fought it out, mordicus, to death. 780

But no beast ever was sb slight,

For man, as for his God, to fight.

They have more wit, alas ! and know

Themselves and us better than so.

But we, who only do infuse 785

The rage in them like Boute-feus ;

'Tis our example that instils

In them th' infection of our ills.

For, as some late philosophers

Have well observ'd, beasts that converse 790

With man take after him, as hogs

Get pigs all th' year, and bitches dogs.

Just so, by our example cattle

Learn to give one another battle^

We read in Nero's time the heathen, 795

When they destroy 'd the Christian brethren,

Did sew them in the skins of bears,

And then set dogs about their ears :

From thence, no doubt, th' invention came

Of this lewd antichristian game. 800"

To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily The point seems very plain to me. It is an antichristian game, Unlawful both in thing and name. First, for the name : the word bear-baiting 805 Is carnal, and of man's creating : For certainly there's no such word In all the Scripture on record ; Therefore unlawful, and a sin : And so is (secondly) the thing. 810

A vile assembly 'tis, that can No more be prov'd by Scripture than Provincial, classic, national ; Mere human creature-cobwebs all. Thirdly, it is idolatrous ; 815

For when men run a whoring thus

with which seamen use to compose that kind of grana- dos which they call stinkards.

786. Boute-feus is a French word, and therefore it were uncivil to suppose any English person (especially of quality) ignorant of it, or so ill-bred as to need an ex- position.

32 HUDIBRAS.

With their inventions, whatsoe'er

The thing be, whether dog or bear,

It is idolatrous and pagan,

No less than worshipping of Dagon. 820

Quoth Hudibras, I smell a rat : Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate ; For though the thesis which thou lay'st Be true ad amussim, as thou say'st (For that bear-bating should appear 825

Jure divino lawfuller Than synods are, thou dost deny, Totidem verbis ; so do I ;) Yet there's a fallacy in this ; For if by sly hornceosis, 830

Tussis pro crepitu, an art Under a cough to slur a f — t, Thou wouldst sophistically imply Both are unlawful, I deny.

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt 835

But bear-baiting may be made out, In gospel-times, as lawful as is Provincial or parochial classis ; And that both are so near of kin, And like in all, as well as sin, 840

That put them in a bag and shake 'em, Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, And not know which is which, unless You measure by their wickedness : For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 845

O' th' two is worst; tho' I name neither.

Quoth Hudibras, Thou offer'st much, But art not able to keep touch, Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, Id est to make a leek a cabbage ; 850

Thou wilt at best but suck a bull, Or shear swine, all cry and no wool ; For what can synods have at all "With bear that's analogical? Or what relation has debating 855

Of church-affairs with bear-baiting? A just comparison still is Of things ejusdem generis ;

PART L— CANTO I. 33

And then what genius rightly doth Include and comprehend them both? 860

If animal, both of us may As justly pass for bears as they ; For we are animals no less, Altho' of different specieses. But, Ralpho, this is no fit place 865

Nor time to argue out the case : For now the field is not far off, Where we must give the world a proof Of deeds, not words, and such as suit Another manner of dispute ; 870

A controversy that affords Actions for arguments, not words ; Which we must manage at a rate Of prowess and conduct adequate To what our place and fame doth promise, 875 And all the godly expect from us. Nor shall they be deceived, unless We're slurr'd and outed by success; Success, the mark no mortal wit, Or surest hand, can always hit : 880

For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, We do but rowT, we're steer'd by Fate, Which in success oft disinherits, For spurious causes, noblest merits. Great actions are not always true sons 885 Of great and mighty resolutions; Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth Events still equal to their worth ; But sometimes fail, and in their stead Fortune and cowardice succeed. 890

Yet we have no great cause to doubt; Our actions still have borne us out ; Which, tho' they're known to be so ample, We need not cop}7 from example. We're not the only persons durst 895

Attempt this province, nor the first. In northern clime a valrous knight Did whilom kill his bear in fight, And wound a fiddler ; we have both Of these the objects of our wroth, 900

C 2

U HUDIBRAS.

And equal fame and glory from Th' attempt or victory to come. 'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke

In foreign land, yclep'd

To whom we have been oft comparM 905

For person, parts, address, and beard ;

Both equally reputed stout,

And in the same cause both have fought ;

He oft in such attempts as these

Came off with glory and success ; 910

Nor will we fail in th' execution,

For want of equal resolution.

Honour is like a widow, won

With brisk attempt and putting on ;

With ent'ring manfully, and urging ; 915

Not slow approaches, like a virgin.

'Tis said, as erst the Phrygian knight, So ours with rusty steel did smite

903. Mamaluke is the name of the militia of the sul- tans of Egypt. It signified a servant or soldier. They were commonly captives taken from among the Christ- ians, and instructed in military discipline, and did not marry. Their power was great; for besides that the sultans was chosen out of their body, they disposed of l\e most important offices of the kingdom. They were formidable about two hundred years ; till at last Selim, sultan of the Turks, routed them, and killed their sultan near Aleppo, 1516, and so put an end to the empire of Mamalukes, which had lasted 267 years.

No question but the rhyme to Mamaluke was meant Sir Samuel Luke, of whom in the preface.

913. Our English proverbs are not impertinent to this purpose :

He that woos a maid must seldom come in her sight : But he that woos a widow, must woo her day and night. He that woos a maid, must feign, lie, and flatter ; But he that woos a widow, must down with his breeches and at her.

This proverb being- somewhat immodest, Mr. Ray says he would not have it inserted in his collection, but that he met with it in a little book, entitled the Quakers' Spi- ritual Court proclaimed ; written by Nathaniel Smith, Student in Physic; wherein the author mentions it as counsel given him by Hilkiah Bedford, an eminent Qua- ker in London, who would have had him to have mar- ried a rich widow, in whose house he lodged In case he could get her, this Nathaniel Smith had promised Hilkiah a chamber gratis. The whole narrative is worth the reading.

PART I.— CANTO II. 35

His Trojan horse, and just as much

He mended pace upon the touch ; 920

But from his empty stomach groanM

Just as that hollow beast did sound,

And angry answer'd from behind,

With brandish'd tail and blast of wind.

So have I seen with armed heel, 925

A wight bestride a common-weal ;

While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd

The less the sullen jade had stirr'd.

CANTO II.

The catalogue and character Of th1 enemies' best men of war; ■ Whom, in a bold harangue, the Knight Defies, and challenges to fight. _ H' encounters Talgol, routs the Bear, And takes the Fiddler prisoner, Conveys him to enchanted castle ; There shuts him fast in wooden bastile.

There was an ancient sage philosopher,

That had read Alexander Ross over,

And swore the world, as he could prove,

Was made of fighting and of love :

Just so Romances are, for what else 5

Is in them all, but love and battles?

O' th' first of these we've no great matter

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter ;

Jn which to do the injur'd right

We mean, in what concerns just fight. 10

Certes our authors are to blame,

For to make some well-sounding name

A pattern fit for modern knights

To copy out in frays and fights ;

Like those that a whole street do raze 15

To build a palace in the place.

They never care how many others

They kill, without regard of mothers,

Or wives, or children, so they can

Make up some fierce, dead-doing man, 20

Composed of many ingredient valours,

Just like the manhood of nine tailprs.

36 HUDIBRAS.

So a wild Tartar, when he spies

A man that's handsome, valiant, wise,

If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit 25

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ;

As if just so much he enjoy'd

As in another is destroy 'd.

For when a giant's slain in fight,

And mow'd o"erthwart, or cleft downright, 30

It is a heavy case no doubt,

A man should have his brains beat out

Because he's tall, and has large bones ;

As men kill beavers for their stones.

But as for our part, we shall tell 35

The naked truth of what befel ;

And as an equal friend to- both

The Knight and Bear, but more to troth,

With neither faction shall take part,

But give to each his due desert ; 40

And never coin a formal lie on't,

To make the Knight o'ercome the giant.

This b'ing profest, we've hopes enough,

And now go on where we left off.

They rode ; but authors having not 45

Determin'd whether pace or trot (That is to say, whether tullutation, As they do term 't, or succussation,) We leave it, and go on, as now Suppose they did, no matter how ; 50

Yet some from subtle hints have got Mysterious light, it was a trot : But let that pass : they now begun To spur their living engines on. For as whipp'd tops, and bandy'd balls, 55

The learned hold, are animals ; So horses they affirm to be Mere engines made by geometry ; And were invented first from engines, As Indian Britons were from Penguins. 60

47 Tullutation and succussation are only Latin words for ambling and trotting, though I believe both were natural amongst the old Romans ; since I nevpr read they made use of the trammel or any other art, to pace their hoises.

60. The American Indians call a great bird they have

PART I.— CANTO II. 37

So let them be : and, as I was saying, They their live engines ply'd, not staying Until they reach'd the fatal champaign, Which th' enemy did then encamp on ; The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle 65

Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle And fierce auxiliary men, That came to aid their brethren, Who now began to take the field, As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 70

For as our modern wits behold, Mounted a pick-back on the old, Much farther off, much farther he, Rais'd on his aged beast could see ; Yet not sufficient to descry 75

All postures of the enemy ; Wherefore he bids the Squire ride farther, T' observe their numbers, and their order ; That when their motions he had known, He might know how to fit his own. 80

Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed, To fit himself for martial deed. Both kinds of metal he prepar'd, Either to give blows or to ward : Courage and steel, both of great force, 85

Prepared for better or for worse. His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well, Drawn out from life-preserving vittle. These being prim'd, with force he labour 'd To free 's sword from retentive scabbard ; 90 And, after many a painful pluck, From rusty durance he bail'd tuck. , Then shook himself, to see that prowess In scabbard of his arms sat loose : And, rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, 95

On stirrup-side, he gaz'd about, with a white head, a penguin ; which signifies the same thing in the British tongue : from whence (with other words of the same kind) some authors have endeavour- ed to prove, that the Americans are originally derived from the Britons.

65. Pharsalia is a city of The6sa!y, famous for the hattle won by Julius Caesar against Pompey the Great, in the neighbouring plains, in the 607tn year of Rome, Of which read Lucan's Pharsalia.

38 HUDIBRAS.

Portending blood, like blazing star,

The beacon of approaching war.

Ralpho rode on with no less speed

Than Hugo in the forest did; 100

But far more in returning made ;

For now the foe he had survey'd,

Rang'd as to him they did appear,

With van, main battle, wings, and rear.

r lh' head of all this warlike rabble 105

Crowdero march'd, expert and able.

Instead of trumpet and of drum,

That makes the warrior's stomach come,

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer

By thunder turn'd to vinegar, 110

(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat,

Who has not a month's mind to combat?)

A squeaking engine he apply'd

Unto his neck, on north-east side,

Just where the hangman does dispose, 115

To special friends, the knot of noose :

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight

Dispatch a friend, let others wait.

His warped ear hung o'er the strings,

Which was but souse to chitterlings: 120

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden,

Are fit for music, or for pudden ;

Fiom whence men borrow ev'ry kind

Of minstrelsy by string or wind.

His grisly beard was" long and thick, 125

With which he strung his fiddle-stick ;

For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe

For what on his own chin did grow.

Chiron, the four-legg'd bard, had both

A beard and tail of his own growth ; 130

And yet by authors 'tis averr'd,

He made use only of his beard.

129. Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn and Phillyris, living in the mountains, where, being much given to hunting, he became very knowing in the virtues of plants, and one of the most famous physicians of his time. He imparted his skill to ^Esculapius, and was af- terward Apollo's governor, until being wounded by Her cules,and desiring to die, Jupiter placed him in heavea where he forms the feign of Sagittarius or the Archer

, PART I—CANTO II 39

[n Staffordshire, where virtuous worth

Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth ;

Where bulls do choose the boldest king, 135

And ruler, o'er the men of string,

(As once in Persia, 'tis said,

Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd ;)

He bravely venturing at a crown,

By chance of war was beaten down, 140

And wounded sore. His leg then broke,

Had got a deputy of oak :

For when a shin in fight is cropp'd,

The knee with one of timber 's propp'd,

Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145

And takes place, though the younger brother.

Next march'd brave Orsin famous for Wise conduct, and success in war : A skilful leader, stout, severe, Now marshal to the champion bear. 150

With trunchion, tipp'd with iron head, The warrior to the lists he led ; With solemn march and stately pace, But far more grave and solemn face ; Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, 155

Or Spanish Potentate, Don Diego. This leader was of knowledge great, Either for charge or for retreat. He knew when to fall on pell-mell ; To fall back and retreat as well. 160

So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, Do stave and tail with writs of error, Reverse of judgment, and demurrer, To let t em breathe a while, and then 165

Cry whoop, and set them on agen. As Romulus a wolf did rear, So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear, That fed him with the purchas'd prey Df many a fierce and bloody fray ; * 170

133. The whole history of 1 his ancient ceremony you may read at large in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire, under the town Tutbury.

J 55. For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsa and Ole- arius's Travels.

40 HUDIBRAS.

Bred up where discipline most rare is, In military Garden Paris. For soldiers, heretofore did grow- In gardens just as weeds do now, Until some splay-foot politicians 175

T' Apollo offer'd up petitions For licensing a new invention They'd found out of an antique engine, To root out all the weeds that grow In public gardens at a blow, 180

And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, My friends, that is not to be done. Not done ! quoth statesmen ; yes, an't please ye, "When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy. Why then let >s know it, quoth Apollo : 185 We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. A drum ! (quoth Phoebus ;) troth, that's true; A pretty invention, quaint and new. But though of voice and instrument We are the undoubted president, 190

We such loud music don't profess ; The devil's master of that office, Where it must pass ; if 't be a drum, He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com. To him apply yourselves, and he 195

Will soon dispatch you for his fee. They did so ; but it prov'd so ill, Th' had better let 'em grow there still. But to resume what we discoursing Were on before, that is, stout Orsin : 200

That which so oft, by sundry writers, Has been applied t' almost all fighters, More justly may b' ascrib'd to this Than any other warrior, (viz.) None ever acted both parts bolder, 205

Both of a chieftain and a soldier. He was of great descent, and high For spletidour and antiquity ; And from celestial origine Deriv'd himself in a right line : 210

172. Paris Garden, in Southwark, took its name from the possessor.

PART L— CANTO II. 41

Not as the ancient heroes did,

Who, that their base births might be hid

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender,

And that they came in at a windore,)

Made Jupiter himself, and others 215

O' th1 gods, gallants to their own mothers,

To get on them a race of champions

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons.)

Arctophylax, in northern sphere,

Was his undoubted ancestor : 220

From him his great forefathers came,

And in all ages bore his name.

Learned he was in medVnal lore ;

For by his side a pouch he wore,

Replete with strange hermetic powder, 225

That wounds nine miles point-blank would sol-

By skilful chemist, with great cost, [der,

Extracted from a rotten post ;

But of a heav'nlier influence

Than that which mountebanks dispense : 230

Though by Promethean fire made,

As they do quack that drive that trade.

For as when slovens do amiss

At others' doors, by stool or piss,

The learned write, a red-hot spit 235

B'ing prudently apply'd to it,

231. Promethean fire. Prometheus was the son of Iapetus, and brother of Atlas, concerning whom the poets have feigned, that having first formed men of the earth and water, he stole fire from heaven to put life into them; and that having thereby displeased Jupiter, he commanded Vulcan to tie him to Mount Caucasus with iron chains, and that a vulture should prey upon his liver continually : but the truth of the story is, that Pro- metheus was an astrologer, and constant in observing the stars upon that mountain; and that, among other things, he found the art of making fire, either by the means of a flint, or by contra! ting the sun-beams in a glass. Bochart will have Magog, in the Scripture, to be the Prometheus of the Pagans. ^^

He here and before sarcasticalty derides three who were great admirers of the sympathetic powder and weapon salve, which were in great repute in those days, and much promoted by the great Sir Kenelm Digby, who wrote a treatise ex professo on that subject, and, I believe, thought what he wrote to be true, which since has been almost exploded out of the world

42 HUDIBRAS.

Will convey mischief from the dung

Unto the part that did the wrong,

So this did healing ; and as sure

As that did mischief, this could cure. 240

Thus virtuous Orsin was endu'd With learning, conduct, fortitude, * Incomparable : and as the prince Of poets, Homer, sung long since, A skilful leech is better far' 245

Than half an hundred men of war, So he appear"d ; and by his skill, No less than dint of sword, could kill.

The gallant Bruin march'd next him, With visage formidably grim, 250

And rugged as a Saracen, Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ; Clad in a mantle della guerre Of rough impenetrable fur ; And in his nose, like Indian king, 255

He wore, for ornament, a ring ; About his neck a threefold gorget, As rough as trebled leathern target ; Armed, as heralds, cant, and langued ; Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. 260

For as the teeth in beasts of prey Are swords, with which they fight in fray ; So swords, in men of war, are teeth, Which they do eat their vittle with. He was by birth, some authors write, 265

A Russian ; some, a Muscovite ; And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred, Of whom we in diurnals read, That serve to fill up pages here, As with their bodies ditches there. 270

Scrimansky was his cousin-german, With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin ; And ^^n these fail'd, he'd suck his claws, And quarter himself upon his paws;

207. Cossacks are a people that live near Poland. This name was given them for their extraordinary nimoleness ; for cosa, or kosa, in the Polish toncue, sig- nifies a goat. He that would know more of them, may read Le Laboreur and Thuldenus.

PART I— CANTO II. 43

And though his countrymen, the Huns, 275

Did stew their meat between their bums

And th' horses' backs o'er which they straddle,

And ev'ry man ate up his saddle ;

He was not half so nice as they,

But ate it raw when 't came in's way:- 280

He had trac'd countries far and near,

More than Le Blanc the traveller;

Who writes, he spous'd in India,

Of noble house, a lady gay,

And got on her a race of worthies, 285

As stout as any upon earth is.

Full many a fight for him between

Talgol and Orsin oft had been ;

Each striving to deserve the crown

Of a sav'd citizen ; the one 290

To guard his bear ; the other fought

To aid his dog ; both made more stout

By sevVal spurs of neighbourhood,

Church-fellow-membership, and blood ;

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, 295

Never got ought of him but blows ;

Blows hard and heavy, such as he

Had lent, repaid with usury.

Yet Talgol was of courage stout, And vanquish'd offner than he fought : 300 Inur'd to labour sweat, and toil, And like a champion shone with oil. Right many a widow his keen blade, And many fatherless had made. He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305

Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow ; But Guy with him in fight compar'd, Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd.

275. This custom of the Huns is described by Ammia- nus Marcellinus, ' Hunni semicruda cujus^is Peccpris carne vescuritur, quam inter femora sua e£ equofum terga subsertam, calefacient brevi.' P. 686.

283. The story of Le Blanc, of a bear that married a king's daughter, is no more strange than many others, in most travellers, that pass with allowance ; for if they should write nothing but what is possible, or probable, tney might appear to have lost their labour, and observed nothing but what they might have done as well at home.

44 HUDIBRAS.

With greater troops of sheep h' had fought

Than Ajax or bold Don Quixote : 310

And many a serpent of fell kind,

With wings before and stings behind,

Subdu'd, as poets say, long agone, -^

Bold Sir George, St. George, did the dragon.

Nor engine, nor device polemic, 315

Disease, nor doctor epidemic,

Tho' stor'd with deletery med'cines

(Which whosoever took is dead since,)

E'er sent so vast a colony

To both the under worlds as he : 320

For he was of that noble trade

That demi-gods and heroes made,

Slaughter and knocking on the head,

The trade to which they all were bred ;

And is, like others, glorious when 325

'Tis great and large, but base if mean:

The former rides in triumph for it,

The latter in a two-wheel'd chariot,

For daring to profane a thing

So sacred with vile bungling. 330

* Next these the brave Magnano came; Magnanp, great in martial fame. Yet when with Orsin he wag'd fight, 'Tis sung, he got but little by 't. Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335

Whose spoils upon his back he wore, As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield, Which o'er his brazen arms he held : But brass was feeble to resist The fury of his armed fist ; 340

Nor could the hard'st ir'n hold out Against his blows, but they would through't.

In magic he was deeply read As he that made the brazen head ProfoundljskilFd in the black art, 345

As English Merlin for his heart ; But far more skilful in the spheres Than he was at the sieve and shears.

343. Roger Bacon and Merlin. See Colliers Dic- tionary

PART I.— CANTO II. 45

He could transform himself in colour

As like the devil as a collier ; 350

As like as hypocrites in show

Are to true saints, or crow to crow.

Of warlike engines he was author,

Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter :

The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 355

He was th' inventor of, and maker :

The trumpet, and the kettle-drum,

Did both from his invention come.

He was the first that e'er did teach

To make, and how to stop, a breach. 360

A lance he bore with iron pike ;

Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ;

And when their forces he had join'd,

He scorn M to turn his parts behind.

He Trulla lov'd ; Trulla, more bright 365 Than burnish'd armour of her knight: A bold virago, stout and tall As Joan of France, or English Mall, Thro' perils both of wind and limb, Thro' thick and thin, she follow'd him, 370 In ev'ry adventure h' undertook, And never him or it forsook : At breach of wall, or hedge surprise, She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize : At beating quarters up, or forage, 375

Behav'd herself with matchless courage; And laid about in fight more busily Than th' Amazonian dame Penthesile.

And though some critics here cry shame, And say our authors are to blame, 380

That (spite of all philosophers, Who hold no females stout but bears, And heretofore did so abhor That women should pretend to war,

368. Two notorious women ; the last was known here by the name of Mall Cutpurse.

378. Penthesile, queen of the Amazons, succeeded Orythia She carried succours to the Trojans, and af- ter having given noble proofs of her bravery, was killed by Achilles Pliny saith, it was she that invented the roattle axe. If any one desire to know more of the Amazons, let him read Mr. Sanson.

46 HUDIBRAS.

They would not suffer the stout'st dame 385

To swear by Hercules's name)

Make feeble ladies in their works,

To fight like termagants and Turks ;

To lav their native arms aside,

Their modesty, and ride astride ; 390

To run a-tilt at men, and wield

Their naked tools in open field ;

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris,

And she that would have been the mistress

Of Gondibert ; but he had grace, 395

And-rather took a country lass ;

They say, 'tis false, without all sense,

But of pernicious consequence

To government which they suppose

Can never be upheld in prose ; 400

Strip Nature naked to the skin,

You'll find about her no such thing.

It may be so ; yet what we tell

Of Trulla that's improbable,

385. The old Romans had particular oaths for men and women to swear by ; arid therefore Macrobius says, 1 Viri per Castorem non jurabant antiquitus, n< c Mulie- res per Hercnlem ; /Edepol aulem juramentum erattum mulieribus quam viris commune.' &c.

393. Two formidable women at arms, in romances, that were cudgelled into love by their gallants.

395. Gondibert is a feigned name, made use of by Sir William d'Avenaniin his famous epic poem, so cafied ; wherein you may find also that of his mistress. This poem was designed bytheauihor to be an imitation of the English drama : it being divided into five books, as the other is into five acts ; the cantos to be parallel of the scenes, with, this difference, that this is delivered narra- tively, the other dialoguew ise. It was ushered into the world by a large preface written by Mr. Hobbes, and by the pens of two of out best poets, viz. Mr Waiter and Mr. Cowley, which one would have thought might have prov- ed a sufficient defence and protection against snarling critics. Notwithstanding which, four eminent wits of that age (two of which were Sir John Denham and Mr. Donne) published several copies of verses to Sir Wil ham's discredit, under this title, Certain Verses written by several of iheAuthor'sFriends,to be reprii tedwiththfl second ediiion of Gondibert in 8vo. Lond 1(353 These verses were as wittily answered by the auihor,u rider this title, The incomparable poem of Gondibert vindicated from the Wit Combat of four Esquires, Clinias, Damoe- tas, Sancho, and Jack-Pudding ; printed in 8vo. Lond. 1655. Vide Lawbain's Account of Dramatic Poets.

PART I.— CANTO II. 47

Phall be dispos'd by those who've seen't 405 Or, what's as good, produc'd in print : And if they will not take our word, We'll prove it true upon record.

The upright Cerdon next advanc't, Of all his race the valiant'st : 410

Cerdon the Great, renown'd in song, Like Herc'los, for repair of wrong : He rais'd the low and fortify'd The weak against the strongest side : 111 has he read, that never hit 415

On him in Muses' deathless" writ. He had a weapon keen and fierce, That through a bull-hide shield would pierce, And cut it in a thousand pieces, Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece, his "With whom his black-thumb 'd ancestor 421 Was comrade in the ten years' war : For when the restless Greeks sat down So many years before Troy town, And were renown'd, as Homer writes, 425

For well soFd boots no less than fights, They ow'd that glory only to His ancestor that made them so. Fast friend he was to Reformation, i Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. 430

Next rectifier of wry law, And would make three to cure one flaw. Learned he was, and could take note, Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. But preaching was his chiefest talent, 435

Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, He us'd to lay about and stickle, Like ram or bull, at conventicle : For disputants, like rams and bulls, Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. 440

Last Colon came, bold man of war, Destin'd to blows by fatal star ; Right expert in command of horse, But cruel, and without remorse. That which of Centaur long ago 445

Was said, and has been wrested to

48 HUDIBRAS.

Some other knights, was true of this ;

He and his horse were of a piece.

One spirit did inform them both ;

The self-same vigour, fury, wroth; 450

Yet he was much the rougher part,

And always had a harder heart :

Although his horse had been of those

That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes.

Strange food for horse ! and yet, alas ! 455

It may be true, for flesh is grass.

Sturdy he was, and no less able

Than Hercules to clean a stable ;

As great a drover, and as great

A critic too, in hog or neat. 460

He ripp'd the womb up of his mother,

Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother

And provender wherewith to feed

Himself, and his less cruel steed.

It was a question, whether he 465

Or 's horse were of a family

More worshipful : 'till antiquaries

(After Ik1 had almost por'd out their eyes)

Did very learnedly decide

The business on the horse's side ; 470

And prov'd not only horse, but cows,

Nay, pigs, were of the elder house :

For beasts, when man was but a piece

Of earth himself, did th' earth possess.

These worthies were the chief that led 475 The combatants, each in the head Of his command, with arms and rage, Ready and longing to engage. The numerous rabble was drawn out Of sev'ral counties round about, 480

From villages remote, and shires, Of east and western hemispheres : From foreign parishes and regions, Of different manners, speech, religions, Came men and mastiffs ; some to fight 485 For fame and honour, some for sight. And now the field of death, the lists, Were enter' d by antagonists,

PART I.— CANTO II. 49

And blood was ready to be broachM, When Hudibras in haste approach'd, 490

With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em ; Eat first thus from his horse bespake 'era :

What rage, O citizens ! what fury Doth you to these dire actions hurry? What oestrum, what phrenetic mood, 495

Makes you thus lavish of your blood, While the proud Vies your trophies boast,

And unreveng'd walks ghost?

What towns, what garrisons might you

With hazard of this blood subdue, 500

Which nowy' are bent to throw away

In vain, untriumphable fray !

Shall saints in civil bloodshed wallow

Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow?

The Cause for which we fought and swore 505

So boldly, shall we now give o'er?

Then, because quarrels still are seen

With oaths and swearings to begin,

The solemn League and Covenant

Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant ; 510

And we, that took it, and have fought,

As lewd as drunkards that fall out.

For as we make war for the king

Against himself, the self-same thing,

Some will not stick to swear, we do 515

For God and for religion too :

For if bear-baiting we allow,

What good can Reformation do ?

The blood and treasure that's laid out

Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 520

Are these the fruits 0' th' Protestation,

The prototype of Reformation,

Which all the saints, and some, since martyrs,

Wore in their hats like wedding garters,

495. GEstrum is not only a Greek word for madnesa but signifies also a gad-bee or horse flyi that torments cattle in the summer, and makes them run about as if they were mad

524. Some few days after the king had accused the five members of treason in the House of Commons, great crowds of the rabble came down to Westminster- hall with printed copies of the Protestation tied in their bats like favours. D

50 HUDIBRAS.

When 'twas resolv'd by either House 5&5

Six Members quarrel to espouse?

Did they for this draw down the rabble,

With zeal and noises formidable,

And make all cries about the town

Join throats to cry the bishops down ? 530

Who having round begirt the palace

(As once a month they do the gallows,)

As members gave the sign about,

Set up their throats with hideous shout.

When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle 535

Church discipline, for patching kettle :

No sow-gelder did blow his horn

To geld a cat, but cry'd Preform.

The oyster-women lock'd their fish up,

And trudg'd away, to cry, No bishop. 540

The mousetrap-men laid save-alls by,

And 'gainst ev'l counsellors did cry.

Bothers left old clothes in the lurch,

And fell to turn and patch the church.

Some cry'd the Covenant instead 545

Of pudden-pies and ginger-bread ;

And some for brooms, old boots and shoes,

BawFd out to purge the Commons' House.

Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry,

A gospel-preaching ministry ; 550

And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak,

No surplices nor Service-book.

A strange harmonious inclination

Of all degrees to Reformation.

And is tins all? Is this the end 555

To which these carr'ings on did tend?

Hath public faith,Jike a young heir,

For this ta'en up all sorts of ware,

525. The six members were the Lord Kimbolton, Mr. Pym, Mr. Mollis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig, and Mr. Stroud, whom the king ordered to be appre- hended, and their papers seized ; charging them of plot- ting with the Scots, and favouring the late tumults ; but the~House voted aga nst the arrest of their persons or papers ; whereupon the king having preferred articles against those members, he went with his guard to the House to demand them : but they, having notice, with drew

PART I.— CANTO II. 51

And run int" every tradesman's book,

Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke ? 560

Did saints for this bring in their plate,

And crowd as if they came too late ?

For when they thought the Cause had need on't,

Happy was he that could be rid onX m

Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flagons, 565

Int1 officers of horse and dragoons ;

And into pikes and musqueteers

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers?

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon,

Did start up living men as soon 570

As in the furnace they were thrown,

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown.

Then was the Cause of gold and plate,

The brethren's off rings, consecrate,

Like thf Hebrew calf, and down before it 575

The saints fell prostrate to adore it :

So say the wicked — and will you

Make that sarcasmus scandal true,

By running after dogs and bears,

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ? 580

Have powerful preachers ply'd their tongues,

And laid themselves out and their lungs ;

LVd all means, both direct and sinister,

I' th" power of gospel-preaching minister?

Have they invented tones to win 585

The women, and make them draw in

The men, as Indians with a female

Tame elephant inveigle the male?

Have they told Prov'dence what it must do,

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 590

Discover'd th1 enemy's design,

And which way best to countermine ?

Prescribe what ways it hath to work,

Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ?

Told it the news o' th' last express, 595

And after good or bad success

Made prayers, not so like petitions

As overtures and propositions

578. Abusive or insulting had been better, but our Knight believed the learned languages more convenient to understand in than his own mother-tonguo.

52 HUDIBRAS.

(Such as the army did present

To their creator, th' Parliament,) 600

In which they freely will confess

They will not, cannot, acquiesce,

Unless the work be carry'd on

In the same way they have begun,

By setting church and common-weal 605

All on a flame, bright as their zeal,

On which the saints were all agog,

And all this for a bear and dog?

The Parliament drew up petitions

To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions, 610

To well-arfected persons down,

In ev'ry city and great town,

With pow'r to levy horse and men,

Only to bring them back agen ;

For this did many, many a mile, 615

Ride manfully in rank and file,

With papers in their hats, that shew'd

As if they to the pillory rode.

Have all these courses, these efforts,

Been try'd by people of all sorts, 620

Velis et remis, omnibus nervis,

And ail V advance the Cause's service?

And shall all now be thrown away

In petulant intestine fray ?

Shall we that in the Cov'nant swore, 625

Each man of us to run before

Another, still in Reformation,

Give dogs and bears a dispensation ?

How will dissenting brethren relish it?

What will malignants say ? videlicet, 630

That each man swore to do his best,

To damn and perjure all the rest !

And bid the devil take the hin'most,

Which at. this race is like to win most.

They 11 say our bus'ness, to reform 635

The church and state, is but a worm;

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen,

To an unknown church-discipline,

What is it else, but before-hand

T' engage, and after understand ? 640

PART L— CANTO II. 53

For when we swore to carry on

The present Reformation,

According to the purest mode

Of churches best reform'd abroad,

What did we else but make a vow 645

To do we know not what, nor how?

For no three of us will agree

Where or what churches these should be;

And is indeed the self-same case

With theirs that swore et csetcras : 650

Or the French league, in which men vow'd

To fight to the last drop of blood.

These slanders will be thrown upon

The cause and work we carry on,

If we permit men to run headlong 655

T' exorbitances fit for bedlam,

Rather than gospel-walking times,

When.slightest sins are greatest crimes.

But we the matter so shall handle,

As to remove that odious scandal, 660

In name of King and Parliament,

I charge ye all no more foment

This feud, but keep the peace between Your brethren and your countrymen ; And to those places straight repair 665

Where your respective dwellings are. But to that purpose first surrender The Fiddler, as the prime offender, The incendiary vile, that is chief Author and engineer of mischief; 670

649. The Convocation, in one of the short Parlia- ments, that ushered in the long one (as dwarfs are wont to do knights errant,) made an oaih to be taken by the clergy for observing canonical obedience ; in which they enjoined iheir brethren, out of the abundance of their consciences, to swear articles with, &c.

651. The h(Vy league in France, designed and made for the extirpation of the Protestant religion, was the origi- nal, out of which the solemn league and covenant here was(with thedifferenceonlyofcircumstances)mo3tfaith- fnlly transcribed. Nor did the success of both differ more than the intent and purpose ; for after the destruction of vast numbers of people of all sorts, both ended with the murderoftwokingSjWhomtheyhadbothsworutodefend: and as our covenanters swore every man to run one be- fore another,in the way of reformation, so did th* French ill the holy league, to fight to the last drop of blood.

54 HUDIBRAS.

That makes division between friends, For profane and malignant ends. He, and that engine of vile noise, On which illegally he plays, Shall (dictum factum) both be brought 675 To condign punishment, as ttiey ought. This must be done ; and 1 would fain see Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay : For then 111 take another course, And soon reduce you all by force. 680

This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, To shew he meant to keep his word. But Talgol, who had long supprest Inflamed wrath in glowing breast, Which now began to rage and burn as 685 Implacably as flame in furnace, Thus answer'd him : — Thou vermin wretched As e'er in measled pork was hatched ; Thou tail of worship, that dost grow On rump of justice as of cow; 690

How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggage O' th'self, old ir'n, and other baggage, With which thy steed of bones and leather Has broke his wind in halting hither ; How durst th\ I say, adventure thus 695

T' oppose thy lumber against us ? Could thine impertinence find out No work V employ itself about, Where thou, secure from wooden blow, Thy busy vanity might'st shew ? 700

Was no dispute a-foot between The caterwauling brethren ? No subtle question rais'd among Those out-o'-their wits, and those i' trT wrong? No prize between those combatants 705

O1 th' times, the land and water saints ; Where thou inight/st strickle without hazard Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard; And not for want of business come To us to be so troublesome, 710

To interrupt our better sort Of disputants, and spoil our sport?

PART I.— CANTO II. 55

Was there no felony, no bawd, Cut-purse, no burglary abroad? No stolen pig, nor plundered goose, 715

To tie thee up from breaking loose ? No ale unlicens'd, broken hedge, For which thou statute might'st allege, To keep thee busy from foul evil, And shame due to thee from the devil ? 720 Did no committee sit, where he Might cut out journey-work for thee? And set th' a task with subornation, To stitch up sale and sequestration ; To cheat, with holiness and zeal, 725

All parties, and the common weal ? Much better had it been for thee, H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be ; Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither, So he had never brought thee hither. 730

But if th' hast brain enough in skull To keep itself in lodging whole, And not provoke the rage of stones And cudgels to thy hide and bones, Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, 735 Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st. At this the Knight grew high in wroth, And lifting hands and eyes up both, Three times he smote on stomach stout, From whence at length these words broke out: Was I for this entitled Sir, 740

And girt with trusty sword and spur, For fame and honour to wage battle, Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle ? Not all that pride that makes thee swell 745 As big thou dost blown-up veal ; Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, And sell thy carrion for good meat ; Not all thy magic to repair DecayM old age in tough lean ware ; 750

Make nat'ral death appear thy work, And stop the gangrene in stale pork ; Not all that force that makes thee proud, Because by bullock ne'er withstood ;

56 HUDIBRAS.

Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, 755

And axes made to hew down lives,

Shall save or help thee to evade

The hand of Justice, or his blade,

Which I, her sword-bearer do carry,

For civil deed and military. 760

Nor shall those words of venom base,

Which thou hast from their native place,

Thy stomach pump'd to fling on me,

Go unrevengM, though I am free:

Thou downlhe same throat shalt devour 'em,

Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. 765

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight

With gantlet blue, and bases white,

And round blunt truncheon by his side,

So great a man at arms defy'd 770

With words far bitter than wormwood,

That would in Job or Grizel stir mood.

Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal;

But men with hands as thou shalt feel.

This said, with hasty rage he snatched 775 His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd ; And bending cock, he levelFd full Against th' outside of Talgol's skull : Vowing that he should ne'er stir further, Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. 780 But Pallas came in shape of rust, And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock Stand stiff, as 'twere transform'd to stock. Meanwhile fierce Talgol, gathering might, 785 With rugged truncheon charg'd the Knight; But he with petronel upheav'd, Instead of'shield, the blow receiv'd. The gun recoil'd, as well it might, Not us'd to such a kind of fight, 790

And shrunk from its great master's gripe, KnockM down and stunn'd by mortal stripe. Then Hudibras, with furious haste, Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast, But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, 795

Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back.

PART I.— CANTO II. 57

But when his nut-brown sword was out.

With stomach huge he laid about,

Imprinting' many a wound upon

His mortal foe, the truncheon. 800

The trusty cudgel did oppose

Itself against dead-doing blows,

To guard its leader from fell bane,

And then reveng'd itself again.

And though the sword (some understood) 805

In force had much the odds of wood,

'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc'd

So equal, none knew which was valiant'st :

For wood with honour bing engaged,

Is so implacably enragM, 810

Though iron hew and mangle sore,

Wood wounds and bruises honour more.

And now both knights were out of breath,

Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death ;

While all the rest amaz'd stood still, 815

Expecting which should take or kill.

This Hudibras observ'd ; and fretting

Conquest should be so long abetting,

He drew up all his force into

One body, and that into one blow. 820

But Talgol wisely avoided it

By cunning sleight; for had it hit,

The upper part of him the blow

Had slit as sure as that below.

Meanwhile th1 incomparable Colon, 825

To aid his friend, began to fall on.

Him Ralph encounter'd, and straight grew

A dismal combat 'twixt them two :

Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood ;

This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 830

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang,

Hard crab-tree and old iron rang;

While none that saw them could divine

To which side conquest would incline,

Until Magnano, who did envy 835

That two should with so many men vie,

By subtle stratagem of brain,

Perform \1 what force could ne'er attain ; D2

58 HUDIBRAS.

For he, by foul hap, having found

Where thistles grew on barren ground, 840

In haste he drew his weapon out,

And having cropp'd them from the root,

He clappM them underneath the tail

Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail.

The anofry beast did straight resent 845

The wrong done to his fundament ;

Began to kick, and fling, and wince,

As if h' had been beside his sense,

Striving to disengage from thistle,

That galfd him sorely under his tail : 850

Instead of which, he threw the pack

Of Squire and baggage from his back;

And blund'ring still with smarting rump,

He gave the Knight's steed such a thump

As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, 855

And sat on further side aslope.

This Talgol viewing, who had now

By sleight escap'd the fatal blow,

He rally'd, and again fell to*t ;

For catching foe by nearer foot, 8G3

He lifted with such might and strength,

As would have hurFd him thrice his length,

And dash'd his brains (if any) out :

But Mars, that still protects the stout,

In pudding-time came to his aid, 865

And under him the bear convey 'd ;

The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown

The Knitrht with all his weight fell down.

The friendly rug preserv'd the ground,

And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound :

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall 870

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball.

As Sancho on a blanket fell,

And had no hurt, ours far'd as well

In body ; though his mighty spirit, 875

B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it.

The bear was in a greater fright,

Beat down and worsted by the Knight.

He roar'd, and rag'd, and flung about,

To shake off bondage from his snout. 880

PART I.— CANTO II. 59

His wrath inflam'd boil'd o'er, and from

His jaws of death he threw the foam :

Fury in stranger postures threw him, .

And more than herald ever drew him.

He tore the earth which he had sav'd 885

From squelch of Knight, and storm "d andrav'd,

And vex'd the more because the harms

He felt were 'gainst the law of arms :

For men he always took to be

His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 890

Who never so much hurt had done him,

As his own side did falling on him.

It griev'd him to the guts that they

For whom h' had fought so many a fray,

And serv'd with loss of blood so long, 895

Should offer such inhuman wrong;

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition :

For which he flung down his commission ;

And laid about him, till his nose

From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. 900

Soon as he felt himself enlarged,

Through thickest of his foes he charg'd,

And made way through th' amazed crew;

Some he o'erran, and some o'erthrew,

But took none ; for by hasty flight 905

He strove V escape pursuit of Knight;

From whom he fled with as much haste

And dread as he the rabble chas'd.

In haste he fled, and so did they ;

Each and his fear a several way. 910

Crowdero only kept the field; Not stirring from the place he held, Though beaten down and wounded sore, I' th1 riddle, and a leg that bore One side of him ; not that of bone, 915

But much its better, th' wooden one. He spying Hudibras lie strow'd Upon the ground, like log of wood, With fright of fall, supposed wound, And loss of urine, in a swound, 920

In haste he snatcrfd the wooden limb, That hurt i' th' ankle lay by him,

60 HUDIBRAS.

And fitting it for sudden fight,

Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight;

For getting up on stump and buckle, 925

He with the foe began to buckle ;

Vowing to be reveng'd for breach

Of crowd and skin upon the wretch,

Sole author of all detriment

He and his fiddle underwent. 930

But Ralpho (who had now begun T' adventure resurrection From heavy squelch, and had got up Upon his legs, with sprained crup) Looking about, beheld pernicior> . 935

Approaching Knight from fell musician. He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled When he was falling off his steed (As rats do from a falling house,) To hide itself from rage of blows ; 940

And, wing'd with speed and fury, flew To rescue Knight from black and blue ; Which ere he could achieve, his sconce The leg encounter'd twice and once; And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, 945

When Ralpho thrust himself between. He took the blow upon his arm, To shield the Knight from further harm ; And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd On th* wooden member such a load, 950

That down it fell, and with it bore Crowdero, whom it propp'd before. To him the Squire right nimbly run, And setting conquering foot upon His trunk, thus spoke: What despVate frenzy Made thee (thou whelp of sin !) to fancy 956 Thyself, and all that coward rabble, T' encounter us in battle able ? How durst th*, I say, oppose thy curship 'Gainst arms, authority and worship? 960

And Hudibras or me provoke, Though all thy limbs were heart of oak, And th* other half of thee as good To bear out blows, as that of wood ?

PART I.-CANTO II. 61

Could not the whipping-post prevail, 965

With all its rhet'ric, nor the jail,

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin,

And ankle free from iron gin ?

Which now thou shalt — But first our care

Must see how Hudibras doth fare. 970

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight,

And set him on his bum upright.

To rouse him from lethargic dump,

He tweak'd his nose ; with gentle thump

Knock 'd on his breast, as if t had been 975

To raise the spirits lodg'd within.

They, waken'd with the noise, did fly

From inward room to window eye ;

And gently opening lid, the casement,

Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. 980

This gladded Ralpho much to see,

Who thus bespoke the Knight : quoth he,

Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir,

A self-denying conqueror ;

As high, victorious, and great, 985

As e'er fought for the churches yet.

If you will give yourself but leave

To make out what y' already have ;

That's victory. The foe, for dread

Of your nine- worthiness, is fled ; 990

All, save Crowdero, for whose sake

You did th' espoused cause undertake ;

And he lies pris'ner at your feet,

To be disposed as you think meet ;

Either for life, or death, or sale, 995

The gallows, or perpetual jail ;

For one wink of your pow'rful eye

Must sentence him to live or die.

His fiddle is your proper purchase,

Won in the service of the churches : 1000

And by your doom must be allow'd

To be, or be no more, a crowd.

For though success did not confer

Just title on the conqueror;

Though dispensations were not strong 1005

Conclusions whether right or wrong ;

62 HUDIBRAS.

Although out-going did confirm,

And owning were hut a mere term;

Yet as the wicked have no right

To th1 creature, though usurped by might, 1010

The property is in the saint,

From whom th' injuriously detain 't;

Of him they hold their luxuries,

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice,

Their riots, revels, masks, delights, 1015

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ;

All which the saints have title to,

And ought V enjoy, if th1 had their due.

What we take from them is no more

Than what was ours by right before; 1020

For we are their true landlords still,

And they our tenants but at will. —

At this the Knight began to rouse,

And by degrees grow valorous,

He star'd about, and seeing none 1025

Of all his foes remain but one,

He snatch'd his weapon, that lay near him,

And from the ground began to rear him ;

Vowing to make Crowdero pay

For all the rest that ran away. 1030

But Ralpho now, in colder blood,

His fury mildly thus withstood :

Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit

Is rais'd too high : this slave does merit

To be the hangman's business, sooner 1035

Than from your hand to have the honour

Of his destruction. I, that am

A nothingness in deed and name,

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcass,

Or ill intreat his fiddle or case : 1040

Will you, great Sir, that glory blot

In cold blood, winch you gain'd in hot?

Will you employ your conq'ring sword

To break a fiddle and your word?

For though 1 fought, and overcame, 1045

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name,

For great commanders only own

What's prosperous by the soldier done.

PART I.— CANTO II. o3

To save, where you have pow'r to kill,

Argues your pow'r above your will ; 1050

And that your will and powV have less

Than both might have of selfishness.

This pow'r which, now alive, with dread

He trembles at, if* he were dead

Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, 1055

Than if you were a knight of straw:

For death wou'd then be his conqueror,

Not you, and free him from that terror.

If danger from his life accrue,

Or honour from his death, to you, 1060

'Twere policy and honour too,

To do as you resolv'd to do ;

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much,

To say it needs or fears a crutch.

Great conquerors greater glory gain 1065

By foes in triumph led, than slain :

The laurels that adorn their brows

Are pulfd from living, not dead boughs,

And living foes : the greatest fame

Of cripple slain can be but lame. 1070

One half him's already slain,

The other is not worth your pain ;

Th' honour can but on one side light,

As worship did, when y"1 were dubb'd knight.

Wherefore I think it better far 1075

To keep him prisoner of war,

And let him fast in bonds abide,

At court of justice to be try"d ;

"Where, if he appear so bold and crafty,

There may be danger in his safety. 1080

If any member there dislike

His face, or to his beard have pique ;

Or if his death will save or yield

Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd,

Though he has quarter, ne'er the less 1085

Y' have power to hang him when you please.

This has been often done by some

Of our great conqVors, you know whom;

And has by most of us been held

"Wise justice, and to some reveal'd ; 1090

64 HUDIBRAS

For words and promises, that yoke

The conqueror, are quickly broke;

Like Samson's cuffs, though by his own

Direction and advice put on.

For if we should fight for the Cause 1095

By rules of military laws,

And only do what they call just,

The Cause would quickly fall to dust.

This we among ourselves may speak;

But to the wicked, or the weak, 1100

We must be cautious to declare

Perfection-truths, such as these are.

This said, the high, outrageous mettle Of Knight began to cool and settle. He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon 1105 Resolv'd to see the business done; And therefore charged him first to bind Crowdero's hands on rump behind, And to its former place and use The wooden member to reduce; 1110

But force it take an oath before, Ne'er to bear arms against him more.

Ralph o dispatched with speedy haste, And having ty'd Crowdero fast, He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, 1115

To lead the captive of his sword In triun.ph, whilst the steeds he caught, And them to further service brought. The Squire in state rode on before, And on his nut-brown whinyard bore 1120 The trophy-fiddle and the case, Leaning on shoulder like a mace. The Knight himself did afW ride, Leading Crowdero by his side ; And tow"d him if he lagg'd behind, 1125

* Like boat against the tide and wind. Thus grave and solemn they marcird on Until quite thro1 the town th" had gone ; At further end of which there stands An ancient castle, that commands 1 130

Th' adjacent parts : in all the fabric You shall not see one stone nor a brick ;

PART L— CANTO II. 65

But all of wood ; by powVful spell

Of magic made impregnable.

There's neither iron-bar nor gate, 1135

Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate,

And yet men durance there abide,

In dungeon scarce three inches wide ;

With roof so low, that under it

They never stand, but lie or sit ; 1140

And yet so foul, that whoso 's in,

Is to the middle-leg in prison ;

In circle magical confin'd,

With walls of subtle air and wind,

Which none are able to break through, 1145

Until they're freed by head of borough.

Thither arriv'd, th1 adventurous Knight

And bold Squire from their steeds alight

At th' outward wall, near which there stands

A bastile, built to imprison hands ; 1150

By strange enchantment made to fetter

The lesser parts, and free the greater ;

For though the body may creep through,

The hands in grate are fast enough :

And when a circle 'bout the wrist 1155

Is made by beadle exorcist,

The body feels the spur and switch,

As if 'twere ridden post by witch

At twenty miles an hour pace,

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. 1160

On top of this there is a spire,

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire

The fiddle and -its spoils, the case,

In manner of a trophy place.

That done, they ope the trap-door gate, 1165

And let Crowdero down thereat;

Crowdero making doleful face,

Like hermit poor in pensive place.

To dungeon they the wretch commit,

And the survivor of his feet : 1170

But th' other, that had broke the peace

And head of knighthood they release;

Though a delinquent false and forged,

Yet, being a stranger he's enlarged,

66 HUDIBRAS.

While his comrade, that did no hurt, 1175 Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't. So Justice, while she winks a*, crimes, Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

CANTO III.

The scatter'd rout return and rally, Surround the place; the Knight doth sally, And is made pris'ner : then they seize Th' enchanted fort by storm, release Crowdero, and put lh' Squire in's place, I should have first said Hudibras.

Ah me ! what perils do environ

The man that meddles with cold iron ;

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps

Do dog him still with after-claps !

For though dame Fortune seem to smile 5

And leer upon him for awhile,

She'll after show him, in the nick

Of all his glories, a dog-trick.

This any man may sing or say,

P th1 ditty call'd, What if a Day ? 10

For Hudibras, who thought h' had won

The field, as certain as a gun ;

And, having routed the whole troop,

With victory was cock-a-hoop ;

Thinking h1 had done enough to purchase 15

Thanksgiving-day among the churches,

Wherein his mettle, and brave worth,

Might be explain V! by Holder-forth,

And register^, by fame eternal,

In deathless pages of diurnal ; 20

Found in few minutes, to his cost,

He did but count without his host ;

And that a turnstile is more certain

Than, in events of war, dame Fortune.

For now the late faint hearted rout, 25

O'erthrown, and scatter'd round about, Chas'd by the horror of their fear, From bloody fray of Knight and Bear

PART I.— CANTO in. 67

(All but the dogs, who, in pursuit

Of the Knight's victory, stood to't, , 30

And most ignobly fought to get

The honour of his blood and sweat,) '

Seing the coast was free and clear

O' th' conquer'd and the conqueror,

Took heart again, and facM about, 35

As if they meant to stand it out :

For by this time the routed Bear,

AttackM by th' enemy i1 th' rear,

Finding their number grew too great

For him to make a safe retreat, 40

Like a bold chieftain, fac'd about ;

But wisely doubting to hold out,

Gave way to fortune, and with haste

FacM the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd ;

Retiring still, until he found 45

IF had got the advantage of the ground;

And then as valiantly made head

To check the foe, and forthwith fled ;

Leaving no art untry'd, nor trick

Of warrior stout and politic, 50

Until, in spite of hot pursuit,

He gain'd a pass, to hold dispute

On better terms, and stop the course

Of the proud foe. With all his force

He bravely chargM, and for a while 55

ForcM their whole body to recoil ;

But still their numbers so increas'd,

He found himself at length oppress'd ;

And all evasions so uncertain,

To save himself for better fortune, 60

That he resolv'd, rather than yield,

To die with honour in the field,

And sell his hide and carcase at

A price as high and desperate

As e'er he could. This resolution 65

He forthwith put in execution,

And bravely threw himself among

The enemy, V th1 greatest throng;

But what could single valour do

Against so numerous a foe 70

68 , HUDIBRAS.

Yet much he did, indeed too much To be believ"d, where th* odds were such. But one against a multitude Is more than mortal can make good : For while one party he opposM, 75

His rear was suddenly inclosed ; And no room left him for retreat, Or fight against a foe so great. For now the mastiffs, charging home, To blows and handy gripes were come : 80 While manfully himself he bore, And setting his right foot before, He rais'd himself, to show how tall His person was above them all. This equal shame and envy stirrM 85

In th' enemy, that one should beard So many warriors, and so stout, As he had done, and stav'd it out, Disdaining to lay down his arms, And yield on honourable terms. 90

\Enraged thus, some in the rear Attack'd him, and some cv'ry where, Till down he fell ; yet falling fought, And, being down, still laid about; As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, 95

Is said to fight upon his stumps.

But all, alas ! had been in vain, And he inevitably slain, If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick, To rescue him had not been quick ; 100

For Trulla, who was light of foot As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, (But not so light as to be borne Upon the ears of standing corn, Or trip it o'er the water quicker 105

Than witches, when their staves they liquor, As some report,) was got among The foremost of the martial throng : There pitying the vanquislfd bear, She call'd to Cerdon, who stood near, 110

Viewing the bloody fight; to whom, Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum.

PART I.— CANTO III. 69

And see stout Bruin all alone,

By numbers basely overthrown ?

Such feats already h' had achiev'd, 115

In story not to be believed ;

And 'twould to us be shame enough,

Not to attempt to fetch him off.

I would (quoth he) venture a limb

*To second thee, and rescue him ; 120

But then we must about it straight,

Or else our aid will come too late.

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout,

And therefore cannot long hold out.

This said, they wavM their weapons round 125

About their heads, to clear the ground ;

And joining forces, laid about

So fiercely, that th' amazed rout

Turn'd tail again, and straight begun,

As if the devil drove, to run. 130

Meanwhile th1 approached the place where Bruin

Was now engag'd to mortal ruin.

The conq.uYing foe they soon assail'd;

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon taifd,

Until their mastiffs loos'd their hold : 135

And yet, alas ! do what they could,

The worsted bear came off with store

Of bloody wounds, but all before :

For as Achilles, dipt in pond,

Was anabaptiz'd free from wound, 140

Made proof against dead-doing steel

All over, but the Pagan heel ;

So did our champion's arms defend

All of him, but the other end,

His head and ears, which, in the martial 145

Encounter, lost a leathern parcel :

For as an Austrian archduke once

Had one ear (which in ducatoons

Is half the coin) in battle par'd

Close to his head, so Bruin far'd ; 150

134. Staving and trailing are terms of art used in the Bear Garden, and signify there only the parting of dogs and bears : though they are used metaphorically in se- veral other professions for moderating ; as law, divi aity hectoring, &c.

70 HUDIBRAS.

But tugg'd and pulFd on th' other side,

Like scriv'ner newly crueifVd ;

Or like the late corrected leathern

Ears of the circumcised brethren.

But gentle Trulla into th' ring 155

He wore in's nose, convey 'd a string,

With which she marclfd before, and led

The warrior to a grassy bed,

As authors write, in a cool shade,

Which eglantine and roses made ; 160

Close by a softly rnurm'ring stream,

Where lovers us'd to loll and dream.

There leaving him to his repose,

Secured from pursuit of foes,

And wanting nothing but a song, 165

And a well-tun'd theorbo hung

Upon a bough, to ease the pain

His tugg'd ears suffered, with a strain,

They both drew up, to march in quest

Of his great leader and the rest. 170

For Orsin (who was more renownM For stout maintaining of bis ground In standing fight, than for pursuit, As being not so quick of foot) Was not long able to keep pace 175

With others tnat pursu'd the chase; But found himself left far behind, Both out of heart and out of wind : GrievM to behold his bear pursu'd So basely by a multitude ; 180

And. like to fall, not by the prowess, But numbers of his coward foes. He rag'd and kept as heavy a coil as Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas; Forcing the valleys to repeat 185

The accents of his sad regret. He beat his breast, and tore his hair, For loss of his dear crony bear ;

153. Pryn, Bastwick, and Burton, who laid down their ears as proxies for their profession of the godif party, not long after maintained tneir right and title to the pillory to be as good and lawful as theirs who first of all took possession of it in their names.

PART I.— CANTO HI. ?i

That Echo, from the hollow ground,

His dolefuf waitings did resound * 190

More wistfully, by many times,

Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes,

That make her, in their rueful stories,

To auswer to infrogatories,

And most unconscionably depose 195

To things of which she nothing knows ;

And when she has said all she can say,

'Tis wrested to. the lover's fancy.

Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin,

Art thou fled? to my — Echo, Ruin. 200

{^thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step

For fear. Quoth Echo, Marry guep.

Am not I here to take thy part ?

Then what has quaifd thy stubborn heart?

Have these bones rattled, and this head 205

So often in thy quarrel bled ?

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it,

For thy dear sake. Quoth she, Mum budget.

Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th1 dish

Thou turn'dst thy back ? Quoth Echo, Pish. 210

To run from those th' hadst overcome

Thus cowardly ? Quoth Echo, Mum.

But what a vengeance makes thee fly

From me, too, as thine enemy ?

Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215

Nor what I have endur'd for thee,

Yet shame and honour might prevail

To keep thee thus from turning tail :

For who would grudge to spend his blood in

His honour's cause ? Quoth she, A puddin. 220

This said, his grief to anger turn'd,

Which in his manly stomach burn'd ;

Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place

Of sorrow, now began to blaze.

He vow'd the authors of his wo 225

Should equal vengeance undergo;

And with their bones and flesh pay dear

For what he suffered, and his bear.

This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed

And rage he hasted to proceed 230

n HUDIBRAfl.

To action straight ; and giving o To'search for Bruin any more, He went in quest of Hubibras, To find him out, where'er he was : And, if he were above ground vow'd He'd ferret him, lurk where he would.

But scarce had he a furlong on This resolute adventure gone, When he encounter'd with that crew Whom Hudibras did late subdue. Honour, revenge, contempt, and sharrfe, Did equally their breasts inflame. 'Mong these the fierce Magnano was, And Talgol, foe to Hudibras; Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout, And resolute, as ever fought ; Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke : Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook The vile affront that paltry ass, And feeble scoundrel Hudibras, With that more paltry ragamuffin, Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing, Have put upon us like tame cattle, As if th' had routed us in battle ! For my part, it shall ne'er be said, I for the washing gave my head : Nor did I turn my back for fear O' tli' rascals, but loss of my bear, Which now Fm like to undergo ; For whether those fell wounds, or no, He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal, Is more than all my skill can foretel ; Nor do I know what is become Of him, more than the pope of Rome. But if I can but find them out That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt, Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) I'll make them rue their handy-work, And wish that they had rather dar'd To pull the devil by the beard.

Quoth Cerdon, Noble Orsin, th1 hast Great reason to do as thou say'st,

part l.-cANT o in. n

And so has ev'ry body here,

As well as thou hast or thy bear.

Others may do as they see good ; 275

But if this twig be made of wood

That will hold tack, I'M make the fuf

Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur ;

And th' other mongrel vermin, Ralph,

That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280

Thy bear is safe, and out of peril,

Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill;

Myself and Trulla made a shift

To help him out at a dead lift ;

And having brought him bravely off, 285

Have left him where he's safe enough :

There let him rest ; for if we stay,

The slaves may hap to get away.

This said, they all engag'd to join Their forces in the same design ; 290

And forthwith put themselves in search Of Hudibras upon their march. Where leave we them awhile, to tell What the victorious Knight befel : For such, Crowdero being fast ^ 295

In dungeon shut, we left him last. Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow No where so green as on his brow ; Laden with which, as well as tir'd With conquering toil he now retir'd 300

Unto a neighb'ring castle by, To rest his body, and ajDply Fit me'd'cines to each glorious bruise He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues; To mollify the uneasy pang 305

Of ev'ry honourable bang, Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, He laid him down to take his rest. But all in vain. H' had got a hurt O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310

By Cupid made, who took his stand Upon a widow's jointure land (For he, in all his am'rous battles, No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,) £

74 HUDIBRAS.

Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, , 351

Let fly an arrow at the Knight :

The shaft against a rib did glance,

And gaird him in the purtenance ;

But time had somewhat 'suag'd his pain

After he found his suit in vain. 320

For that proud dame, for whom his soul

Was burnt in 's belly like a coal

(That belly which so oft did ake

And suffer griping for her sake,

Till purging comfits and ants'-eggs 325

Had almost brought him off his legs,)

Us'd him so like a base rascallion,

That old Pyg — (what d' y' call him) malion,

That cut his mistress out of stone,

Had not so hard a hearted one. 330

She had a thousand Jadish tricks,

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ;

'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had.

As insolent as strange and mad ;

She could love none, but only such 335

As scorn'd and hated her as much.

'Twas a strange riddle of a lady :

Not love, if fmy lov'd her I Hey-dey !

So cowards never use their might,

But against such as will not fight ; 340

So some diseases have been found

Only to seize upon the sound.

He that gets her by heart, must say her

The back way, like a witch's prayer.

Meanwhile the Knight riad no small tasfc 345

To compass what he durst not ask.

He loves, but dares not make the motion;

Her ignorance is his devotion ;

328. P3-gmalion, king of Tyre, was the son of Mar- genus, or Mechres, whom he succeeded, and lived 56 years, whereof he reigned 47. Dido, his sister, was to have governed with him, hut it was pretended the sub- jects thought it not convenient. She married SichaBUS, who was tiie king's uncle, and very rich ; wherefore he put him to death ; and Dido soon after departed the king dom. Poets say, Pygmalion was punished for the hatred he bore to women with the love he had to a statue*

PART L— CANTO III. 75

Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed,

Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350

Or rowing scull, he's fain to love,

Look one way, and another move ;

Or like a tumbler, that does play

His game, and look another way,

Until he seize uppn the cony ; 355

Just so he does by matrimony :

But all in vain ; her subtle snout

Did quickly wind his meaning out ;

Which she returned with too much scorn

To be by man of honour borne : 360

Yet much he bore, until the distress

He suffer'd from his spiteful mistress

Did stir his stomach ; and the pain

He had endur'd from her disdain,

Turn'd to regret so resolute, 365

That he resolv'd to' waive his suit,

And either to renounce her quite,

Or for a while play least in sight.

This resolution b'ing put on,

He kept some months, and more had done, 370

But being brought so nigh by fate,

The victory he achiev'd so late

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope

A door to discontinu'd hope,

That seem'd to promise he might win 375

His dame too, now his hand was in ;

And that his valour, and the honour

H1 had^newly gain'd, might work upon her.

These reasons made his mouth to water*

With am'rous longings to be at her. 380

Quoth he, unto himself, Who knows But this brave conquest o'er my foes May reach her heart, and make that stoop, As I but now have forc'd the troop ? If nothing can oppugn love, 385

And virtue invious ways can prove, What may he not confide to do That brings both love and virtue too ? But thou bring'st valour too and wit : Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390

76 HUDIBRAS.

Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin,

Which women oft are taken in.

Then, Hudibras, why shoulcTst thou fear

To be, that art a conqueror?

Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395

But lets the timidous miscarry.

Then while the honour thou hast got

Is spick and span new, piping hot,

Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best,

And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. And as an owl, that in a barn Sees a mouse creeping in the com, Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405 As if he slept, until he spies The little beast within his reach, Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ; So from his couch the Knight did start To seize upon the widow's heart ; 410

Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, Ralpho, dispatch ; to horse, to horse. And 'twas but time ; for now the rout, We left engag'd to seek him out, By speedy marches, were advanc'd 415

Up to the fort, where he ensconc'd ; And all the avenues had possest About the place, from east to west.

That done, a while they made a halt, To view the ground, and where t' assault : 420 Then calTd a council, which was best, By siege or onslaught, to invest The enemy ; and 'twas agreed By storm and onslaught to proceed. This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425

They now drew up t' attack the fort: When Hudibras, about to enter Upon another-gates adventure, To Ralpho call'd aloud to arm, Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430

Whether dame Fortune, or the care Of angel bad or tutelar, -

PART I.— CANTO HI. 77

Did arm, or thrust him on a danger

To which he was an utter stranger,

That foresight might, or might not, blot 435

The glory he had newly got ;

Or to his shame it might be said,

They took him napping in his bed ;

To them we leave it to expound,

That deal in sciences profound. 440

His courser scarce he had bestrid, * And Ralpho that on which he rid, When setting ope the postern gate, Which they thought best to sally at, The foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd, 445 Ready to charge them in the field. This somewhat startled the bold Knight, Surpris'd with tfr' unexpected sight : The bruises of his bones and flesh He thought began to smart afresh ; 450

Till recollecting wonted courage, His fear was soon converted to rage, And thus he spoke : The coward foe Whom we but now gave quarter to, Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455

As if they had outrun their fears. The glory we did lately get, The Fates command us to repeat ; And to their wills we must succomb, Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460

This is the same numeric crew Which we so lately did subdue; The self-same individuals that Did run as mice do from a cat, When we courageously did wield 465

Our martial weapons in the field, To tug for victory ; and when We shall our shining blades agen Brandish in terror o'er our heads, They'll straight resume their wonted dreads.470 Fear is an ague, that forsakes And haunts by fits those whom it takes ; And they'll opine they feel the pain And blows they felt to-day again

78 HUDIBRAS.

Then let us boldly charge them home, 475 And make no doubt to overcome.

This said, his courage to inflame, He call'd upon his mistress' name. His pistol next he cock'd anew, And out his nut-brown whinyard drew ; 480 And, placing Ralpho in the front, Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, As expert warriors use : then ply'd With iron heel his courser's side, Conveying sympathetic speed 485

From heel of Knight to heel of steed.

Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage And speed, advancing to engage ; Both parties now were drawn so close, Almost to come to handy-blows : 490

When Orsin first let fly a stone At Ralpho ; not so huge a one As that which Diomed did maul iEneas on the bum withal ; Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, 495

T' have sent him to another world, Whether above ground, or below, Which saints twice dipt are destin'd to. The danger startled the bold Squire, And made him some few steps retire ; 500

But Hudibras advanc'd to' 'said, And rous'd his spirits, half dismay'd. He, wisely doubting lest the shot Of th' enemy, now growing hot, Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 505 To come pell-mell to handy -blows, And, that he might their aim decline, Advanced still in an oblique line ; But prudently forbore to fire, Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510 As expert warriors use to do When hand to hand they charge their foe. This order the advent'rous Knight, Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight, When Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515 And for the foe began to stickle.

PART I.— CANTp III. 79

The more shame for her goodyship,

To give so near a friend the slip.

For Colon choosing out a stone,

Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 520

His manly paunch with such a force,

As almost beat him off his horse.

He lost his whinyard, and the rein ;

But laying fast hold of the mane,

Preserv'd his seat : and as a goose 525

In death contracts his talons close,

So did the Knight, and with one claw

The trigger of his pistol draw.

The gun went off: and as it was

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 530

In all his feats of arms, when least

He dreamt of it, to prosper best,

So now he far'd : the shot, let fly

At random 'mong the enemy,

Pierc'd TalgoFs gaberdine, and grazing 535

Upon his shoulder, in the passing

LodgM in Magnano's brass habergeon,

Who straight, A surgeon ! cry'd, a surgeon !

He tumbled down, and, as he fell,

Did Murther ! Murther ! Murther ! yell. 540

This startled their whole body so,

That if the Knight had not let go

His arms, but been in warlike plight,

H' had won (the second time) the fight ;

As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545

He had inevitably done :

But he, diverted with the eare

Of Hudibras his hurt, forbare

To press th' advantage of his fortune,

While danger did the rest dishearten : 550

For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd

In close encounter, they both wag'd

The fight so well, 'twas hard to say

Which side was like to get the day.

And now the busy work of death 555

Had tir'd them, so th' agreed to breathe.

Preparing to renew the fight,

When the disaster of the Knight,

80 HUDIBRAS.

And th' other party, did divert

Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560

Ralpho press'd up to Hudibras,

And Cerdon where Magnano was ;

Each striving to confirm his party

With stout encouragements and hearty.

Quoth Ralpho, Courage, valiant Sir, 565 And let revenge and honour stir Your spirits up : once more fall on, The shatter'd foe begins to run : For if but half so well you knew To use your victory as subdue, 570

They durst not, after such a blow As you have given them, face us now ; But from so formidable a soldier Had fled like crows when they smell powder. Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575 Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft; But if you let them recollect Their spirits, now disrnay'd and check'd, You'll have a harder game; to play Than yet y' have had to get the day. 580

Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard By Hudibras with small regard. His thoughts were fuller of the bang He lately took, than Ralph's harangue ; To which he answer'd, Cruel Fate 585

Tells me thy counsel comes too late. The knotted blood within my hose, That from my wounded body flows, With mortal crisis doth portend My days to appropinque an end. 590

I am for action now unfit, Either of fortitude or wit: Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. I am not apt, upon a wound, 595

Or trivial basting, to despond : Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail : For if I thought my wounds not mortal, Or that we'd time enough as yet To make an hon'rable retreat, 600

PART I.— CANTO III. 81

*Twere the best course : but if they find

We fly, and leave our arms behind ,

For them to seize on, the dishonour,

And danger too, is such, I'll sooner

Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605

To let them see I am no starter.

In all the trade of war, no feat

Is nobler than a brave retreat :

For those that run away, and fly,

Take place at least of th" enemy. 610

This said, the Squire with active speed, Dismounted from his bony steed, To seize the arms, which, by mischance, Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. These being found out, and restor'd 615

To Hudibras, their natural lord, As a man may say, with might and main He hasted to get up again. Thrice he essayed to mount aloft, But, by his weighty bum, as oft 620

He was pull'd back, till having found Th1 advantage of the rising ground, Thither he led his warlike steed, And having plac'd him right, with speed Prepar'd again to scale the beast ; 625

When Orsin, who had newly dress'd The bloody scar upon the shoulder Of Talgol with Promethean powder, And now was searching for the shot That laid Magnano on the spot, 630

Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid Preparing to climb up his horse' side. He left his cure, and laying hold Upon his arms, with courage bold, Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635

The enemy begin to rally ; Let us, that are unhurt and whole, Fall on, and happy man be's dole.

This said, like to a thunderbolt, He flew with fury to th1 assault, 640

Striving the enemy to attack Before he reach'd his horse's back. E2

82 - HUDIBRAS.

Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten

O'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting,

Wriggling his body to recover 645

His seat, and cast his right leg over ;

When Orsin, rushing in, bestowed

On horse and man so heavy a load,

The beast was startled, and begun

To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650

Bearing the tough Squire like a sack,

Or stout king Richard, on his back ;

Till stumbling, he threw him down,

Sore brmVd, and cast into a swoon.

Meanwhile the Knight began to rouse 655

The sparkles of his wonted prowTess:

He thrust his hand into his hose,

And found, both by his eyes and nose,

'Twas only choler, and not blood,

That from his wounded body flowed. 660

This, with the hazard of the Squire,

Inflam'd him with despiteful ire :

Courageously he fac'd about,

And drew his other pistol out,

And now had halfway bent the cock, 665

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock,

With sturdy truncheon, 'thwart his arm,

That down it fell, and did no harm :

Then stoutly pressing on with speed,

Assay'd to pull him off his steed. 670

The Knight his sword had only left,

With which he Cerdon's head had cleft,

Or at the least cropt off a limb,

But Orsin came, and rescu'd him.

He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675

Upon his quarters opposite :

But as a bark, that in foul weather,

Toss'd by two adverse winds together,

Is bruis"d, and beaten to and fro,

And knows not which to turn him to ; 680

So far'd the Knight between two foes,

And knew not which of them V oppose ;

Till Orsin, charging with his lance

At Hudibras, by spiteful chance

PART I.— CANTO III. 83

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn'd 685

And laid him fiat upon the ground.

At this the Knight began to cheer up,

And, raising up himself on stirrup,

Cry'd out, Victoria ! lie thou there,

And I shall straight dispatch another, 690

To bear thee company in death ;

But first Fll halt a while, and breathe :

As well he might ; for Orsin, griev'd

At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd,

Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695

And cure the hurt he gave before.

Meanwhile the Knight had wheel'd about,

To. breathe himself, and next find out

Th' advantage of the ground, where best

He might the rufrled foe infest. 700

This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed,

To run at Orsin with full speed,

While he was busy in the care

Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware ;

But he was quick, and had already 705

Unto the part apply'd remedy ;

And, seeing th' enemy prepar'd,

Drew up, and stood upon his guard.

Then, like a warrior right expert

And skilful in the martial art, 710

The subtle Knight straight made a halt,

And judgM it best to stay th' assault,

Until he had reliev'd the Squire,

And then in order to retire ;

Or, as occasion should invite, 715

With forces join'd renew the fight.

Ralpho, by this time disentranc'd,

Upon his bum himself advanc'd,

Though sorely bruis'd ; his limbs all o'er

With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. 720

Right fain he would have got upon

His feet again, to get him gone,

When Hudibras to aid him came :

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name,)

Courage ! the day at length is ours; 725

And we once more, as conquerors,

84 HUDIBRAS.

Have both the field and honour won :

The foe is profligate, and run.

I mean all such as can ; for some

This hand hath sent to their long home ; 730

And some lie sprawling on the ground,

With many a gash and bloody wound.

Caesar himself could never say

He got two victories in a day,

As I have done, that can say, Twice I 735

In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici.

The foe's so numerous, that we

Cannot so often vincere

As they perire, and yet enow

Be left to strike an after-blow ; 740

Then, lest they rally, and once more

Put us to fight the business o'er,

Get up, and mount thy steed: Dispatch,

And let us both their motions watch.

Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were 745 In case for action, now be here : Nor have I turn"d my back, or hang'd An arse, for fear of being bang'd. It was for you I got these harms, Advent'ring to fetch off your arms. 750

The blows and drubs I have receiv'd Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop, And reach your hand to pull me up, I shall lie here, and be a prey 755

To those who now are run away.

That thou shalt not (quoth Hudibras ;) We read the ancients held it was More honourable far, servare Civem, than slay an adversary : 760

The one we oft to-day have done, The other shall dispatch anon : And though th' art of a different church, I will not leave thee in the lurch. This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765 And steer'd him gently towards the Squire ; Then bowing down his body, stretch'd His hand out, and at Ralpho reach'd ;

PART I.— CANTO in. 85

When Trulla, whom he did not mind,

Charged him like lightening behind. 770

She had been long in search about

Magnano's wound, to find it out;

But could find none, nor where the shot,

That had so startled him, was got :

But having found the worst was past, 775

She fell to her own work at last,

The pillage of the prisoners,

Which in all feats of arms was hers ;

And now to plunder Ralph she flew,

When Hudibras his hard fate drew 780

To succour him ; for, as he bow'd

To help him up, she laid a load

Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, •

On t' other side, that down he fell.

Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she,) or die : 785

Thy life is mine, and liberty :

But if thou think'st I took thee tardy,

And dar'st presume to be so hardy,

To try thy fortune o'er afresh,

I'll waive my title to thy flesh ; 790

Thy arms and baggage, now my right ;

And, if thou hast the heart to try 't,

I'll lend thee back thyself a while,

And once more, for that carcass vile,

Fight upon tick. — Quoth Hudibras, 795

Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass,

And I shall take thee at thy word.

First let me rise and take my sword ;

That sword which has so oft this day

Through squadrons of my foes made way, 800

And some to other worlds dispatch'd,

Now with a feeble spinster match'd,

Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd,

By which no honour's to be gain'd.

But if thou'lt take m1 advice in this, 805

Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tis

To interrupt a victor's course,

B' opposing such a trivial force :

For if with conquest I come off

(And that I shall do, sure enough,) 810

86 HUDIBRAS.

Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace,

By law of arms, in such a case ;

Both which I now do offer freely.

I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly

(Clapping her hand upon her hreech, 815

To show how much she priz'd his speech,)

Quarter or counsel from a foe ;

If thou canst force me to it, do.

But lest it should again be said,

When I have once more won thy head, 820

I took thee napping, unprepared,

Arm, and betake thee to thy guard.

This said, she to her tackle fell, And on the Knight let fall a peal Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 825 That he retir'd, and followM 's bum. Stand to 't (quoth she) or yield to mercy : It is not fighting arsie-versie Shall serve thy turn. — This stirr'd his spleen More than the danger he was in, 830

The blows he felt, or was to feel, Although th1 already made him reel. Honour, despight, revenge, and shame, At once into his stomach came, Which nYd it so, he raisM his arm 835

Above his head, and rain'd a storm Of blows so terrible and thick, As if he meant to hash her quick. But she upon her truncheon took them, And by oblique diversion broke them, 840

Waiting an opportunity To pay all back with usury, Which long she fail'd not of; for now The Knight with one dead-doing blow Resolving to decide the fight, 845

And she with quick and cunning sleight Avoiding it, the force and weight He charg'd upon it was so great, As almost swayM him to the ground. No sooner she th' advantage found, 850

But in she flew ; and seconding With home-made thrust the heavy swing,

PART I.— CANTO ill. 87

She laid him flat upon his side ;

And mounting on his trunk astride,

Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855

Of all thy vapouring, base scum.

Say, will the law of arms allow

I may have grace and quarter now?

Or wilt thou rather break thy word,

And stain thine honour, than thy sword? 860

A man of war to damn his soul,

In basely breaking his parole ;

And when, before the tight, th' hadst vow'd

To give no quarter in cold blood :

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865

To make me 'gainst my will take quarter,

Why dost not put me to the sword,

But cowardly fly from thy word ?

Quoth Hudibras, The day's thine own ; Thou and thy stars have cast me down ; 870 My laurels are transplanted now, And flourish on thy conquering brow ; My loss of honour 's great enough, Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff: Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875

But cannot blur my lost renown. I am not now in Fortune's power ; He that is down can fall no lower. The ancient heroes were illustrious For being benign, and not blustrous, 880

Against a vanquished foe : their swords Were sharp and trenchant, not their words; And did in fight but cut work out T' employ their courtesies about. '

Quoth she, Although thou hast deserv'd, 885 Base slubberdegullion, to be serv'd As thou didst vow to deal with me, If thou hadst got the victory ; Yet I shall rather act a part That suits my fame than thy desert. 890

Thy arms, thy lihertjr, beside All that's on th' outside of thy hide, Are mine by military law, Of which I will not bate one straw :

88 HUDIBRAS.

The rest, thy life and limbs, gnce more, 895 Though doubly forfeit, I restore.

Quoth Hudibras, It is too late For me to treat or stipulate : What thou conimand'st, I must obey: Yet those whom I expugrTd to-day 900

Of thine own party, I let go, And gave them life and freedom too : Both dogs and bear, upon their parole, • Whom I took pris'ners in this quarrel. Quoth Trulla, Whether thou or they 905

Let one another run away, Concerns not me : but was't not thou That gave Crowdero quarter too ? Crowdero, whom, in irons bound, Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound, 91C Where still he lies, and with regret His gen'rous bowels rage and fret. But now thy carcase shall redeem And serve to be exchanged for him.

This said, the Knight did straight submit, 915 And laid his weapon at her feet. Next he disrobM his gabardine, And with it did himself resign. She took it, and forthwith divesting The mantle that she wore, said jesting 920 Take that, and wear it for my sake ; Then threw it o'er his sturdy back, And as the French, we conquer'd once, Now give us laws for pantaloons,

923. Pantaloons and port-cannons were some of the fantastic fashions wherein we aped the French.

At quisquis Insula satus Britannica

Sic patnu insolens fastidiet suam,

Ut more simia3 Inboret fingere,

Et aemulari Gallicas ineptias,

Et omni Gallo ego hunc opinor ebrium ;

Ergo ex Britanno, ut Callus esse nititur

Sic Dii jubete, fiat ex Gallo Capua,

Thomas More. Gallus is a river in Phrygia, rising out of the moun- tains of Celenae, and discharging itself into the river Sanger, the water of which is of that admirable quality, that, being moderately riraftk, it purges the brain, and •Hires madness ; but largely drank, it makes men fran til. Pliny, Horatius.

PART I.— CANTO III. 89

The length of breeches, and the gathers, 925 Port-cannons, periwigs, and feathers ; Just so the proud insulting lass Array'd and dighted Hudibras.

Meanwhile the other champions, yerst In hurry of the fight disperst, 930

Arriv'd when Trulla won the day, To share in th' honour and the prey, And out of Hudibras his hide With vengeance to be satisfy 'd ; Which now they were about to pour 935

Upon him in a wooden show'r ; But Trulla thrust herself between, And striding o'er his back agen, She brandish'd o'er her head his sword, And vow'd they should not break her word : Sh' had giv'n him quarter, and her blood 941 Or theirs should make that quarter good ; For she was bound, by law of arms, To see him safe from farther harms, In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast 945

By Hudibras, as yet lay fast; Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, His great heart made perpetual moans f Him she resolv'd that Hudibras Should ransom, and supply his place. 950

This stopp'd their fury, and the basting Which towards Hudibras was hasting. . They thought it was but just and right That what she had achiev'd in fight She should dispose of how she pleas'd ; 955 Crowdero ought to be releas'd : Nor could that any way be done So well as this she pitch'd upon : For who a better could imagine ? This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in. 960 The Knight and Squire first they made Rise from the ground where they were laid : Then mounted both upon their horses, But with their faces to the arses ; Orsin led Hudibras's beast, 965

And Talgol that which lialpho prest,

90 HUDIBRAS.

Whom etout Magnano, valiant Cerdon,

And Colon, waited as a guard on ;

AH ush'ring Trulla in the rear,

With th' arms of either prisoner. 970

In this proud order and array

They put themselves upon the way,

Striving to reach th' enchanted castle,

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still.

Thither with greater speed than shows 975

And triumph over conquer'd foes

Do use f allow, or than the bears

Or pageants borne before lord mayors

Are wont to use, they soon arriv'd

In order, soldier-like contriv'd ; 980

Still marching in a warlike posture,

As fit for battle as for muster.

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse,

And bending "gainst the fort their force,

They all advanc'd, and round about 985

Begirt the magical redoubt.

Magnan led up in this adventure,

And made way for the rest to enter ;

For he was skilful in black art,

No less than he that built the fort ; 990

And with an iron mace laid flat

A breach, which straight all enter'd at,

And in the wooden dungeon found

Crowdero laid upon the ground.

Him they release from durance base : 995

RestorM t' his fiddle and his case,

And liberty, his thirsty rage

With luscious vengeance to assuage :

For he no sooner was at large,

But Trulla straight brought on the charge,

And in the self-same limbo put 1001

The Knight and Squire where he was shut ;

Where leaving them in Hockley i1 th" Hole,

Their bangs and durance to condole,

Confhrd and conjur'd into narrow 1005

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow,

In the same order and array

Which they advanc'd^ they march'd away.

PART I.— CANTO III. 91

But Hudibras, who scorn'd to stoop To Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010

Cheer'd up himself with ends of verse, And sayings of philosophers.

Quoth he, Th' one half of man, his mind, Is, sui juris, unconfhTd,

And cannot be laid by the heels, 1015

Whate'er the other moiety feels. ;Tis not restraint or liberty That makes men prisoners or free ; But perturbations that possess The mind, or eequanimities. 1020

The whole world was not half so wide To Alexander, when he cry'd, Because he had but one to subdue, As was a paltry narrow tub to Diogenes, who is not said 1025

(For aught that ever I could read) To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, Because h' had ne'er another tub. The ancients made two sev'ral kinds Of prowess in heroic minds ; 1030

The active and the passive valiant ; Both which are pari libra gallant : For both to give blows, and to carry, In fights are equi-necessary : But in defeats, the passive stout 1035

Are always found to stand it out Most desp'rately, and to outdo The active 'gainst the conqu'ring foe. Tho' we with blacks and blues are suggill'd, Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd ; 1040

He that is valiant, and dares fight, Though drubb'd, can lose no honour by't. Honour's a lease for lives to come, And cannot be extended from The legal tenant ; 'tis a chattel 1045

Not to be forfeited in battle. If he that in the field is slain, Be in the bed of honour lain, He that is beaten may be said To lie in honour's truckle-bed. 1050

92 HUDIBRAS.

For as we see th' eclipsed sun

By mortals is more gaz'd upon,

Than when, adorn'd with all his light,

He shines in serene sky most bright ;

So valour, in a low estate, 1055

Is most admirM and wonder'd at.

Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know We may by being beaten grow ; But none, that see how here we sit, Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060

As gifted brethren, preaching by A carnal hour-glass, do imply, Illumination can convey Into them what they have to say, But not how much ; so well enough 1065

Know you to charge, but not draw off: For who, without a cap and bauble, Having subdu'd a bear and rabble, And might with honour have come off, Would put it to a second proof? 1070

A politic exploit, right fit For Presbyterian zeal and wit.

Quoth Hudibras, That cuckoo's tone, Ralpho, thou always harp'st upon. When thou at any thing would'st rail, 1075 Thou mak'st Presbytery the scale To take the height on't, and explain To what degree it is profane : Whats'ever will not with (thy what d'ye call) Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical; As if Presbytery were the standard 1081

To size whats'ever 's to be slandered. Dost not remember how this day Thou to my beard was bold to say, That thou couldst prove bear-beating equal With synods orthodox and legal ? 1086

Do if thou can'st, for I deny't. Ard dare thee to't with all thy light.

Quoth Ralpho, Truly that is no Hard matter for a man to do, 1090

That has but any guts in 's brains, And cou'd believe it worth his pains ;

PART I. CANTO III. 93

But since you dare and urge me to it, You'll find I've light enough to do it.

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 1095

Where elders, deputies, churchwardens, And other members of the court, Manage the Babylonish sport ; For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward, Do differ only in a mere word ; 1100

Both are but sev'ral synagogues Of carnal men, and bears, and dogs : Both anti-christian assemblies, To mischief bent, far as in them lies ; Both stave and tail with fierce contests, 1105 The one with men, the other beasts. The diff'rence is, the one fights with The tongue, the other with the teeth ; And that they bait but bears in this, In th' other, souls and consciences ; 1110

Where saints themselves are brought to stake For gospel-light, and conscience' sake ; Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, Instead of mastiff dogs and curs, Than whom th' have less humanity ; 1115

For these at souls of men will fly. This to the prophet did appear, Who in a vision saw a bear, Prefiguring the beastly rage Of church-rule in this latter age : 1120

As is demonstrated at full By him that baited the Pope's bull. Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey, That live by rapine ; so do they. What are their orders, constitutions, 1125

Church-censures, curses, absolutions, But sev'ral mystic chains they make, To tie poor Christians to the stake, And then set heathen officers, Instead of dogs, about their ears ? 1130

For to prohibit and dispense ; To find out, or to make offence ;

1122. A learned divine in King James's time wrote a polemic work against the Pope, and gave it that ua- lucky nickname of The Pope's Bull baited.

94 HUDIBRAS.

Of hell and heaven to dispose ;

To play with souls at fast and loose ;

To set what characters they please, 1135

And mulcts on sin or godliness ;

Reduce the church to gospel-order,

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder ;

To make Presbytery supreme,

And kings themselves submit to them ; 1140

And force all people, though against

Their consciences, to turn saints ;

Must prove a pretty thriving trade,

When saints monopolists are made :

When pious frauds, and holy shifts, 1145

Are dispensations and gifts,

Their godliness becomes mere ware,

And evVy synod but a fair.

Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition,

A mongrel breed of like pernicion ; 1150

And growing up, became the sires

Of scribes, commissioners, and triers ;

Whose bus'ness is, by cunning sleight,

To cast a figure for men's light ;

To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155

The physiognomy of grace ;

And, by the sound and twang of nose,

If all be sound within disclose,

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning,

As men try pipkins by their ringing ; 1160

By black caps, underlaid with white,

Give certain guess at inward light.

Which Serjeants at the gospel wear,

To make the spiritual calling clear ;

The handkerchief about the neck 1165

(Canonical cravat of Smeck,

1166. Smectymnuus was a club of five parliamentary holders-forth ; "the characters of whose names and ta- lents were by themselves expressed in that senseless and insignificant word. They wore handkerchiefs about their necks for a mark of distinction (as the officers of the parliament army then did), which afterwards de- generated into carnal cravats. About the beginning of the long parliament, in the year 1641, these five wrote a book against episcopacy and the Common Prayer, to which they all subscribed their names ; being Stephen Marshal, Edmund Calamy, Thomas Young, Matthew

PART I.— CANTO III. 95

From whom the institution came,

When church and state they set on flame,

And worn by them as badges then

Of spiritual warfaring men) 1170

Judge rightly if regeneration

Be of the newest cut in fashion.

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion,

That grace is founded in dominion.

Great piety consists in pride ; 1175

To rule is to be sanctified :

To domineer, and to control,

Both o'er the body and the soul, v

Is the most perfect discipline

Of church-rule, and by right divine. 1180

Bel and the Dragon's chaplains were

More moderate than these by far :

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat,

To get their wives and children meat ;

But these will not be fobb'd off so ; 1185

They must have wealth and power too,

Or else with blood and desolation

They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.

Sure these themselves from primitive And heathen priesthood do derive, 1190

When butchers were the only clerks, Elders and presbyters of kirks ; Whose directory was to kill ; And some believe it is so still. The only diff 'rence is, that then 1195

They slaughter'd only beasts, now men. For then to sacrifice a bullock, Or now and then a child to Moloch,

Newcomen, and William Spurstow, and from thence they and their followers were called Smectymnians. They are remarkable for another pious book, which they wrote some time after that, entitled The King's Cabinet Unlocked, wherein all the chaste and endear- ing expressions, in the letters that passed between his majesty King Charles I. and his royal consort, are by these painful labourers in the devil's vineyard turned into burlesque and ridicule. Their books were answer- ed with as much calmness and genteelness of expression, and as much learning and honesty, by the Rev. Mr. Sy- monds, then a deprived clergyman, as trTeirs was stuffed with malice, spleen, and rascally invectives.

96 HUDIBRAS.

They count a vile abomination,

But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200

Presbytery does but translate

The papacy to a free state ;

A commonwealth of Popery,

Where ev'ry village is a see

As well as Rome, and must maintain 1205

A tithe-pig metropolitan ;

Where ev'ry presbyter and deacon

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon ;

And ev'ry hamlet's governed

By 's Holiness, the church's head ; 1210

More haughty and severe in 's place,

Than Gregory or Boniface.

Such churbh must (surely) be a monster

With many heads : for if we conster

What in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215

According to th' apostle's mind,

5Tis that the whore of Babylon

With many heads did ride upon ;

Which heads denote the sinful tribe

Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. 1220

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi, Whose little finger is as heavy As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, And bishop-secular. This zealot Is of a mongrel, diverse kind ; 1225

Cleric before, and lay behind ; A lawless linseywoolsey brother, Half of one order, half another ; A creature of amphibious nature, On land a beast, a fish in water ; 1230

That always preys on grace or sin ; A sheep without, a wolf within. This fierce inquisitor has chief Dominion over men's belief And manners ; can pronounce a saint 1235 Idolatrous or ignorant, When superciliously he sifts Through coarsest boulter others' gifts ; For all men live and judge amiss, Whose talents jump not just with his. 1240

PART L— CANTO III. 97

He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place

On dullest noddle light and grace,

The manufacture of the kirk,

Those pastors are but th' handy- work

Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245

Divinity in them by feeling ;

From whence they start up chosen vessels,

Made by contact, as men get measles.

So cardinals, they say, do grope

At th' other end the new-made pope. 1250

Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras ; soft fire, They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, Festina lente, not too fast ; For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255 Are false, and built upon mistake : And I shall bring you, with your pack Of fallacies, t' elenchi back ; And put your arguments in mood And figure to be understood. 1260

I'll force you, by right ratiocination, To leave your vitilitigation,

1249. This relates to the story of Pope Joan, who wag called John VIII. Platina saith she was of English ex- traction, but born at Mentz ; who, having disguised her- self like a man, travelled with her paramour to Athens, where she made such progress in learning, that coming to Rome, she met with few that could equal her; so that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. she was chosen to succeed him ; but being got with cfiild by one of her do- mestics, her travail came upon her between the Colos- sian Theatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the Lateran Church, and died upon the place, having sat two years, one month, and four days, and was buried there without any pomp. He owns that, for the shame of this, the popes decline going through this street to the Lateran ; and that, to avoid the like error, when any pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, his genitals are felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole made for that purpose ; but he supposes the reason of that to be, to put him in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious to the necessities of nature , whence he will have the seat to be called Sedes Stercoraria.

1262. Vitilitigation is a word the Knight was passion- ately in love with, and never failed to use it upon all occasions ; and therefore to omit it, when it fell in the

I way, had argued too great a neglect of his learning and parts ; though it means no more than a perverse humour of wrangling. F

98 HUDIBRAS.

And make you keep to th' question close. And argue dialecticos.

Tlie question then, to state it first, 1265

Is, which is better, or which worst, Synods or bears ? Bears I avow To be the worst, and synods thou. But to make good th' assertion, Thou say'st they're really all one. 12T0

If so, not worse ; for if th' are idem, Why then, tantundem dat tantidem. For if they are the same, by course, Neither is better, neither worse. Bat I deny they are the same, 1275

More than a maggot and I am. That both are animalia I grant, but not rationalia : For though they do agree in kind, Specific difference we find ; 1560

And can no more make bears, of these, Than prove my horse is Socrates. That synods are bear-gardens too, Thou dost affirm : but 1 say, No : And thus I prove it in a word ; 1285

Whats'ever assembly's not impowVd To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain Can be no synod : but bear-garden Has no such pow'r ; ergo, 'tis none : And so thy sophistry's overthrown. 1290

But yet we are" beside the question Which thou didst raise the first contest on ; For that was, Whether bears are better Than synod-men .? I say, Negatur. That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295 Is held by all : they're better then ; For bears and dogs on four legs go, As beasts, but synod-men on two. ;Tis true, they all have teetli and nails ; But prove that synod-men have tails ; 1300 Or that a rugged, shaggy fur Grows o'er the hide of presbyter ; Or that his snout and spacious ears Do hold proportion with a bear's.

PART 1.— CANTO III. 99

A bear's a savage beast, of all 1305

Most ugly and unnatural ;

Whelp'd without form, until the dam

Has lick'd it into shape and frame :

But all thy light can ne'er evict,

That ever synod man was lick'd, 1310

Or brought to any other fashion

Than his own will and inclination.

But thou dost farther yet in this Oppugn thyself and sense ; that is, Thou would'st have presbyters to go 1315

For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too ; A strange chimera of beasts and men, Made up of pieces heterogene ; Such as in nature never met In eodem subjecto yet. 1320

Thy other arguments are all Supposures, hypothetical, That do but beg, and we may choose Either to grant them, or refuse. Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325 And where thou stol'st from other men, Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts Are all but plagiary shifts ; And is the same that Ranter said, Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330 And tore a handful of my beard : The self-same cavils then I heard, When, Ving in hot dispute about This controversy, we fell out : And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335 Will serve to answer thee agen.

Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th' abuse Of human learning you produce ; Learning, that cobweb of the brain, Profane, erroneous, and vain ; 1340

A trade of knowledge, as replete As others are with fraud and cheat ; An art t' incumber gifts and wit, And render both for nothing fit ; Makes light unactivc, dull, and troubled, 1345 Like little David in Saul's doublet :

100 HUDIBRAS.

A cheat that scholars put upon

Other men's reason and their own ;

A fort of error, to ensconce

Absurdity and ignorance ; 1350

That renders all the avenues

To truth impervious and abstruse,

By making plain things, in debate,

By art perplex'd and intricate :

For nothing goes for sense or light, 1355

That will not with old rules jump right:

As if rules were not in the schools

Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules.

This Pagan heathenish invention

Is good for nothing but contention. 1360

For as, in sword and buckler fight,

All blows do on the target light ;

So when men argue, the greafst part

O' th' contest falls on terms of art,

Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365

And then they fall to th' argument.

Quoth Hudibras, Friend Ralph, thou hast Outrun the constable at last : For thou art fallen on a new Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370

But to the former opposite And contrary as black to white ; Mere desparata ; that concerning Presbytery; this, human learning; Two things s' averse, they never yet 1375

But in thy rambling fancy met. But I shall take a fit occasion T' evince thee by ratiocination, Some other time, in place more proper Than this we're in ; therefore lets stop here, And rest our weary M bones a while, 1381

Already tir'd with other toil.

1373. Disparata are things separate and unlike, from the Latin word dispare.

101

PART II.— CANTO I.

The Knight, by damnable magician, Being cast illegally in prison, Love brings his action on the case, And lays it upon Hudibras. How he receives the Lady's visit, And cunningly solicits his suit, Which he defers ; yet on parole Redeems him from th' enchanted hole.

But now t' observe romantic method,

Let bloody steel awhile be sheathed ;

And all those harsh and rugged sounds

Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds,

Exchanged to Love's more gentle style, 5

To let our reader breathe a while :

In which, that we may be as brief as

Is possible, by way of preface,

Is't not enough to make one strange,

That some men's fancies should ne'er change,10

But make all people do and say

The same things still the self-same way ?

Some writers make all ladies purloin'd,

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind :

Others make all their knights, in fits 15

Of jealousy, to lose their wits ;

Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches,

Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches.

Some always thrive in their amours,

By pulling plaisters off their sores : 20

As cripples do to get an alms,

Just so do they, and win their dames.

Some force whole regions, in despite

O' geography, to change their site ;

Make former times shake hands with latter, 25

And that which was before come after.

1. The beginning of this Second Part may perhaps seem strange and abrupt to those who do not know that it was written on purpose in imitaiion of Virgil, who be- gins the IVth Book of his ,/Eneids in the very same man- ner, 'At Regina gravi,' &c. And this is enough to satis- fy the curiosity of those who believe that invention and fancy ought to be measured (like cases in law) by pre- cedents, or else they are in the power of the critic

102 HUDIBRAS.

But those that write in rhyme, still make

The one verse for the other's sake ;

*For one for sense, and one for rhyme,

I think's sufficient at one time. ' 30

But we forget in what sad plight We whilom left the captive Knight And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body, And conjur'd into safe custody. Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35

As well as basting and bear-baiting, And desperate of any course, To free himself by wit or force, His only solace was, that now His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40

That either it must quickly end, Or turn about again, and mend ; In which he found th' event, no less Than other times, beside his guess.

There is a tall long-sided dame, *5

(But wondrous light,) ycleped Fame, That, like a thin cameleon, boards Herself on air, and eats her words ; Upon her shoulders wings she wears Like hanging sleeves lin'd through with ears, 50 And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, Made good by deep mythologist : With these she through the welkin flies, And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ; With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, 55 And mercuries of farthest regions ; Diurnals writ for regulation Of lying, to inform the nation ; And by their public use to bring down The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60 About her neck a pacquet-mail, Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, Of men that walk'd when they were dead, And cows of monsters brought to bed ; Of hail-stones big as pullets' eggs, 65

And puppiee whelp'd with twice two legs; A blazing-star seen in the west, By six or seven men at least.

PART II.— CANTO I. 103

Two trumpets she doth sound at once. Bat both of clean contrary tones ; 70

But whether both in the same wind, Or one before, and one behind, We know not ; only this can tell, The one sounds vilely, th' other well ; And therefore vulgar authors name 75

Th' one Good, th' other Evil, Fame. This tattling gossip knew too well What mischief Hudibras befel, And straight the spiteful tidings bears Of all to th1 unkind widow's ears. 80

Democritus ne'er laugh'd so loud, To see bawds carted through the crowd, Or funerals with stately pomp March slowly on in solemn dump, As she laugh'd out, until her back, 85

As well as sides, was like to crack. She vow'd she would go see the sight, And visit the distressed Knight ; To do the office of a neighbour, And be a gossip at his labour ; 90

And from his wooden jail, the stocks, To set at large his fetter-locks ; And by exchange, parole, or ransom, To free him from th' enchanted mansion, This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95

And usher, implements abroad Which ladies wear, beside a slender Young waiting-damsel to attend her. All which appearing, on she went, To find the Knight in limbo pent : 100

And 'twas not long before she found Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound ; Both coupled in enchanted tether, By farther leg behind together. For as he sat upon his rump, 105

His head, like one in doleful dump, Between his knees, his hands apply'd Unto his ears on either side, And by him, in another hole, Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl ; 110

104 HUDIBRAS.

She came upon him in his wooden

Magician's circle, on the sudden,

As spirits do V a conjuror,

When in their dreadful shapes th' appear.

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115 Hut straight he fell into a fever, Inflam'd all over with disgrace, To be seen by her in such a place ; Which made him hang his head, and scowl, And wink and goggle like an owl. 120

He felt his brains begin to swim, When thus the dame accosted him :

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, And with delinquent spirits haunted, That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125 Until their guilty crimes be purg'd : Look, there are two of them appear, Like persons I have seen somewhere. Some having mistaken blocks and posts For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130

With saucer eyes, and horns ; and some Have heard the devil beat a drum ; But if our eyes are not false glasses, That give a wrong account of faces, That beard and I should be acquainted, 135 Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted ; For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, ^.s if 't had lately been in combat, it did belong to a worthy knight, Howe'er this goblin has come by't. 140

When Hudibras the lady heard Discoursing thus upon his beard, And speak with such respect and honour Both of the beard and the beard's owner, He thought it best to set as good 145

A face upon it as he cou'd, And thus he spoke : Lady, your bright And radiant eyes are in the right: The beard's th' identic beard you knew, The same numerically true ; 150

Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, But its proprietor himself.

PART II.— CANTO I. 105

O heavens ! quoth she, can that be true ? T do begin to fear 'tis you : Not by your individual whiskers, 1&5

But by your dialect and discourse, That never spoke to man or beast In notions vulgarly exprest. But what malignant star, alas ! Has brought you both to this sad pass? 16Q

Quoth he, The fortune of the war, Which I am less afflicted for, Than to be seen with beard and face, By you in such a homely case.

Quoth she, Those need not be asham'd 165 For being honourably maim'd ; If he that is in battle conquer'd Have any title to his own beard, Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, It does your visage more adorn 170

Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lan- And cut square by the Russian standard, [der'd, A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign, That's bravest which there are most rents in. That petticoat about your shoulders 175

Does not so well become a soldier's ; And I'm afraid they are worse handled, Although i' th' rear, your beard the yan led ; And those uneasy bruises make My heart for company to ake, 180

To see so worshipful a friend I' th' pillory set, at the wrong end.

Quoth Hudibras, This thing call'd pain Is (as the learned Stoics maintain) Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185

But merely as 'tis understood. Sense is deceitful, and many feign As well in counterfeiting pain As other gross phenomenas, In which it oft mistakes the case. 190

But since th' immortal intellect (That's free from error and defect, Whose objects still persist the same) Is free from outward bruise and maim, F2

106 HUDIBRAS.

Which nought external can expose 195

To gross material bangs or blows,

It follows we can ne'er be sure

Whether we pain or not endure ;

And just so far are sore and grieved,

As by the fancy is believ'd. 200

Some have been wounded with conceit,

And died of mere opinion straight;

Others, tho' wounded sore in reason,

Felt no contusion, nor discretion.

A Saxon duke did grow so fat, 205

The mice (as histories relate)

Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in

His postic parts, without his feeling :

Then how is't possible a kick

Should e'er reach that way to the quick? 210

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain For one that's basted to feel pain, Because the pangs his bones endure Contribute nothing to the cure : Yet honour hurt is wont to rage 215

With pain no med'cine can assuage.

Quoth he, That honour's very squeamish That takes a basting for a blemish ; For what's more hon'rable than scars, Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 220

Some have been beaten till they know What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ; Some kick'd until they can feel whether A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ; And yet have met, after long running, 225

With some whom they have taught that cun- The farthest way about t' overcome, [ning.

In th' end does prove the nearest home. By laws of learned duellists, They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230 And think one beating may for once Suffice, are cowards and paltroons : But if they dare engage t1 a second, They're stout and gallant fellows reckoned.

205. The history of the Duke of Saxony is not so stranee as that of a bishop, his countryman, who was quite eaten up witli rats and mice.

PART II.— CANTO I. 107

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235 Our princes worship, with a blow. King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetic And testy courtiers with a kick. The Negus, when some mighty lord Or potentate's to be restor'd, 240

And pardon'd for some great offence, With which he's willing to dispense, First has him laid upon his belly, Then beaten back and side to a jelly ; That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245

And gives thanks for the princely blows ; Departs not meanly proud, and boasting Of his magnificent rib-roasting. The beaten soldier proves most manful, That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 25'0 And justly's held more formidable, The more his valour's malleable : But he that fears a bastinado Will run away from his own shadow : And though I'm now in durance fast, 255

By our own party basely cast, Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd, And worse than by the en'my us'd : In close catasta shut, past hope Of wit or valour to elope ; 260

As beards the nearer that they tend To th' earth still grow more reverend , And cannons shoot the higher pitches, The lower we let down their breeches ; I'll make this low dejected fate 265

Advance me to a greater height.

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love With that which did my pity move. Great wits and valours, like great states, Do sometimes sink with their own weights : 270

237. -Pyrrhus, king of Epirus, as Pliny says, had this occult quality in his toe, ' Pollicis in dextro pede tactu lienosis medebatur,' 1. 7. c. 11.

259. Catasta is but a pair of stocks in English. But heroical poetry must not admit of any vulgar word (espe- cially of paltry signification,) and therefore some of our modem authors are fain to import foreign words from »broad,that were never before heard of in our language.

108 HUDIBRAS.

Th' extremes of glory and of shame,

Like east and west, become the same :

No Indian prince has to his palace

More foll'wers than a thief to th' gallows.

But if a beating seem so brave, 275

What glories must a whipping have?

Such great achievements cannot fail

To cast salt on a woman's tail :

For if I thought your nat'ral talent

Of passive courage were so gallant, 280

As you strain hard to have it thought,

I could grow amorous, and dote.

When Hudibras this language heard, He prick'd up's ears, and strok'd his beard : Thought he, this is the lucky hour; 285

Wines work when vines are in the flow'r. This crisis then I'll set my rest on, And put her boldly to the question.

Madam, what you would seem to doubt, Shall be to all the world made out, 290

How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit And magnanimity I bear it ; And if you doubt it to be true, I'll stake myself down against you : And if I fail in love or troth, 295

Be you the winner, and take both.

Quoth she, I've heard old cunning stagers Say, fools for arguments use wagers ; And though I prais'd your valour, yet I did not mean to baulk your wit ; 300

Which if you have, you must needs know What I have told you before now, And you b' experiment have prov'd, I cannot love where Fm belov'd.

Quoth Hudibras, 'tis a caprich 305

Beyond th' infliction of a witch ; So cheats to play with those still aim That do not understand the game. Love in your heart as idly burns As fire in antique Roman urns, 310

To warm the dead, and vainly light Those only that see nothing by't.

PART II.— CANTO I. 109

Have you not power to entertain,

And render love for love again ;

-As no man can draw in his breath 315

At once, and force out air beneath ?

Or do you love yourself so much.

To bear all rivals else a grutch ?

What fate can lay a greater curse

Than you upon yourself would force ? 320

For wedlock without love, some say,

Is but a lock without a key.

It is a kind of rape to marry

One that neglects, or cares not for ye :

For what does make it ravishment, 325

But b'ing against the mind's consent?

A rape that is the more inhuman

For being acted by a woman.

Why are you fair, but to entice us

To love you, that you may despise us? 339

But though you cannot love, you say,

Out of your own fanatic way,

Why should you not at least allow

Those that love you to do so too ?

For, as you fly me, and pursue 335

Love more averse so I do you ;

And am by your own doctrine taught

To practise what you call a fau't.

Quoth she, If what you say is true, You must fly me as I do you ; 340

But 'tis not what we do but say, In love and preaching that must sway.

Quoth he, To bid me not to love, Is to forbid my pulse to move, My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345 Or (when I'm in a fit) to hiccup : Command me to piss out the moon, And 'twill as easily be done. Love's power's too great to be withstood By feeble human flesh and blood. - 350

'Twas he that brought upon his knees The hect'ring, kill-cow Hercules; Transform 'd his leager-lion's skin T' a petticoat, and made him spin ;

110 HUDIBRAS.

Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355

T' a feeble distaff and a spindle.

'Twas he that made emptors gallants

To their own sisters and their aunts ;

Set popes and cardinals agog,

To play with pages at leap-frog. 360

'Twas he that gave our senate purges,

And flux'd the house of many a burgess ;

Made those that represent the nation

Submit, and suffer amputation ;

And all the grandees o1 th' cabal 365

Adjourn to tubs at spring and fall.

He mounted synod-men, and rode 'em

To Dirty Lane and little Sodom ;

Made 'em curvet like Spanish jenets,

And take the ring at Madam 870

'Twas he that made Saint Francis do More than the devil could tempt him to, In cold and frosty weather grow Enamourd of a wife of snow ; And though she were of rigid temper, 375

With melting flames accost and tempt her; Which after in enjoyment quenching, He hung a garland on his engine.

Quoth she, if love hath these effects, Why is it not forbid our sex ? 380

Why is't not damn'd and interdicted, For diabolical and wicked ? &nd sung, as out of tune, against. As Turk and pope are by the saints? I find I've greater reason for it, 385

Than I believ'd before, t' abhor it.

Quoth Hudibras, These sad effects Spring from your heathenish neglects Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns Upon yourselves with equal scorns ; 390

371. The ancient writers of the lives of saints were of the same sort of people who first writ of knight-er- rantry ; and as in the one they rendered the brave ac- tions of some great persons ridiculous, by their prodigi- ous lies, and sottish way of describing them, so they have abused the piety of some devout persons, by iin posing such stories on them as this upon St. Frauds.

PART II.— CANTO I. Ill

And those who worthy lovers slight,

Plagues with prepost'rous appetite.

This made the beauteous queen of Crete

To take a town-bull for her sweet,

And from her greatness stoop so low, 395

To be the rival of a cow :

Others to prostitute their great hearts,

To be baboons' and monkeys' sweethearts ;

Some with the dcv'l himself in league grow,

By's representative a Negro. 400

'Twas this made vestal maid love-sick,

And venture to be bury'd quick :

Some by their fathers, and their brothers,

To be made mistresses and mothers.

5Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405

On lacqueys and valets de chambres ;

Their haughty stomachs overcomes,

And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms ;

To slight the world, and to disparage

Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 410

Quoth she, These judgments are severe, Yet such as I should rather bear Than trust men with their oaths, or prove Their faith and secresy in love.

Says he, There is as weighty reason 415 For secresy in love as treason. Love is a burglarer, a felon, That at the windore-eye does steal in, To rob the heart, and with his prey Steals out again a closer way, 420

Which whosoever can discover, He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer, Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles In men as nat'rally as in charcoals, Which sooty chemists stop in holes, 425

When out of wood they extract coals : So lovers should their passions choke, That, tho' they burn, they may not smoke.

393. The history of Pasiphae is common enough: only this may be observed, that though she brought the bull a son and heir, yet the husband was fain to father it, as appears by the name ; perhaps, because being an island, he was within the four seas when the infant was begotten.

112 HUDIBRAS.

'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole

And dragg'd beasts backward into's hole : 430

So Love does lovers, and us men

Draws by the tails into his den,

That no impression may discover,

And trace t' his cave the wary lover.

But if you doubt I should reveal 435

What